Horoscope.

Horoscope for Saturday, September 5th 2009.

Aries: You'll do a shit in the shape of a starfish today and be in great pain for most of the morning. You'll meet a man named Geoff Kindling at noon who'll ask you for a light. You'll say: 'no' and he'll punch you on the nose three times. He'll be wearing corduroy trousers and a 'Fuck You' t-shirt with a picture of Mario bearing his arse on it.

Cancer: Georgie, you'll go to the doctor's surgery and find out - in an oddly poetic way - that you have a tumour the size of a grapefruit hanging off your colon. Your GP, Amanda Peachfish, will tell you to lose some weight and get fucked in the two months she predicts you have left to live.

Taurus: Phil Davis will tell you he's received an important phone call regarding your mother during anger management. You'll punch him on the temple, killing him almost instantly, and you'll go down for seven years on a manslaughter charge.

Leo: You will be run over on Hollywood Boulevard in precisely twenty-two seconds. That'll teach you to read your horoscope whilst jay-walking, you dumb bitch!

Sagittarius: Several of your pigs will develop self-consciousness and the ability to speak today and will sentence you to life in prison for multiple pigslaughter.

Pisces: Your oxygen tank will cut out today at thirty metres and you will drown. (Make sure you feed the fishes before you leave the flat and remember to give Mary a call.)

Scorpio: You'll get the bus to Sainsbury's today - the same as every day - to participate in the corporate machine like the good little cog you are. You'll work from 12-6 and have lunch - a ham and mustard sandwich - at 2.30. You'll have a good shit when you come home - the highlight of your day - and feel depressed until you go to bed at 10.45.

Gemini: You'll get VD from a Polish dwarf today after a troupe of circus midgets slip some rohypnol into your vodka and Red Bull at Curly's bar and proceed to rape you in an economy Travelodge room.

Virgo: You're going to lose your virginity today to an oversized albino named Chuck. Also, something bland will happen - I will intimate the occurence in generic language but make it sound like it could be unique to you (mainly because you're a stupid bitch who reads horoscopes).

Aquarius: You'll shit your pants at 11.30 a.m. today whilst some God-awful daytime TV show blares out in the background. Oh, who am I kidding? You can hardly see any more, Penelope, and you haven't read your horoscope in three years. Oh, Fred's bringing fish and chips over for tea. You remember Fred? Your eldest son? The one who flunked medical school and who's only ever fucked two women? Yeah, Fred.

Libra: You're fat, Sarah, lose some weight. Paul will beat you again tonight. Oh, don't forget to go see mum today and get that stuff for Paul's lunches. You know how he gets when you forget his special items.

Capricorn: You will assault a Jehova's witness at 1.13 p.m.. Luckily, only Jehova will witness the crime - but he/she/it doesn't exist, so it's all right. At 3.45, you will meet a dazed woman in your local shop who says she must give you oral sex or else the pixies will force her to sell her children. You accept, reticently. She drugs you, though, and steals all of your best fruit.