Summer.

Isn't summer great? Hot, clammy, sweaty, sun-burnt. Isn't it great? I like the fact that I can go to the beach and hear other people's shitty music, so it's a win-win for me. I like seeing thousands of partnered women showing off their tits and arse-cracks. If you get the angle right, you can get a good look at their pussies, too.

I like going to the beach to be with happy, cool people who have tanned skin and white teeth. I, on the other hand, have white skin and tanned teeth. My skin reflects must of the sunlight away from the beach, blinding many innocent children in the process.

Don't you love the sea? It's cool... and full of shit. It's salty. It burns your eyes and makes you want to tear out your own throat. Isn't it great? And God love all the children; those happy smiles laced with the knowingness that mummy and daddy - and their fat wallets - are never too far away.

I was accosted by a woman in the sea today. For some strange reason, she told me she's a born-again Christian. I don't go up to people telling them I'm an atheist. Maybe I exude an aura of infidelity on which these God-botherers can pick up. Anyway, I entertained her beliefs. She said: 'Isn't it a lovely day. I'm happy in the knowledge that eternity is never too far away, though.' I hope eternity caters for the mentally ill - maybe there's a special wing. I guess Heaven's nothing more than a mental asylum for all these warped, religious minds.

Although Brighton beach is pretty hellish - what with the massive pebbles and the glaring, blue, reflective haze - I think I can manage it just for one day. On that thought, I think I might have a beer... maybe ten or twelve.