I know it's ambitious, but the following is a list of all the jokes I've ever written (in no particular order):
In the 1800s, fair-trade was the following: 'Give us your tea and coffee and we won't rape your women.'
Mumbai potatoes.... It hasn't got the same ring as Bombay, has it?
The other day, I accosted a street psychic and punched him in the face. He didn't see that coming.
An American Indian walks into a hotel. 'Do you have a reservation?' asks the concierge. 'Fuck you!' replies the Amerindian.
My girlfriend's into anal sex... she's very frigid and very rarely does anything other than missionary.
My dog's a detective. The other day, a local pet shop was broken into and some dog merchandise was stolen. Upon investigating the scene, my dog was asked by the shopkeeper: 'So, are you any the wiser yet?' To which my dog replied: 'No: we've no leads yet; we've yet to collar anyone.'
Why did the nigger cross the road? To get away from you, you fucking bigot. You disgust me.
My father often tells me I'm a terrible bastard. Apparently, my elder brother - who was also conceived outside of wedlock - is a much better one.
There's an indoor swimming pool in my town one can go to that re-creates the conditions of night swimming during the day-time.
What's the difference between a penis and a vagina? One needs to be washed before sex; one afterwards.
Why did the chicken cross the road? Because it was paid twenty pounds to fulfil the punch line of a very poor joke.
A Jewish man walks into a bar. 'How much for a pint of Kronenberg?' he asks. '£4.00,' replies the barman. 'No way!' says the Jew. 'Yahveh,' replies the barman.
My friend's a butcher. The other day, he told me he wanted to start a scrapbook. He did. He asked me to take a look at it. 'You are aware these pages have offal stuck to them, right, Phil?' I asked. 'Yeah,' he replied. 'It's a scrapbook.'
What do you call a policeman on horse-back? A clippety-clop cop.
What happened to the woman who almost died swallowing a comb? She had a brush with death.
What's the best way to get drunk if you're a vampire? Drink Jesus' blood.
What did the sign down by the shallow end of the pool read? 'No ugly people.'
What's the name of Pop-eye's older travelling brother? Bub-eye.
I was sitting down the other day eating some lemon meringue pie when my friend rang. He could tell I was eating so he asked me what it was I was chowing down on. I said 'Meringue.' He replied: 'That's funny: I thought I rang you.'
What happened when the plane's engines stalled and, simultaneously, two grossly obese people died from cardiac arrest? The crew had to throw them from the plane in order to lose some dead weight.
What's worse than a clown? A paedophile with large pockets wearing lipstick.
What's worse than a paedophile? A swarm of paedophiles surrounding a school. (If paedophiles were wasps - I imagine their stingers would be pricks.)
I have an Elven friend who recently stopped working at Santa's grotto. He complained that the pension plan was comprised of nothing but train sets.
I have a scientist friend who's a practising cannibal. I leant him a scientific journal. He ate the appendix.
I had a conversation the other day with a hot air balloon. It wouldn't stop gassing.
My mum got a perm the other day. It wouldn't recede. She called it a permanent.
After unsuccessfully looking around for some tea-flavoured fruit, I eventually settled on Twinings tea.
Do you wonder whether self-conscious homosexual men ever meet up, get drunk, and then go out and beat up heterosexual men?
Cancer-prevention is a growth industry.
A new abortion clinic recently opened up in Brighton. Unfortunately - due to high demand - there's a waiting list of nine months.
Most homosexual men are still in the closet because they have a penchant for fashion.
I was at a very formal dinner party the other night with several people with high-pitched voices when a man with a baritone voice entered the room and told a very crude joke. That certainly lowered the tone of the evening.
What's worse than a high-brow person? An enraged low-brow person.
What's worse than Aids? Aids plus a nasty infection.
Don't beat around the bush: the animal will only evade you. Why not try dousing the bush with kerosene?
'Brand-spanking' new.... I tried beating on some Ariel powder but it didn't do anything for me.
It doesn't surprise me that most hoods living around L.A. South Central are out of work: they all go around calling each other 'ill'.
When I see public school children in burgundy blazers I think: 'Well, they might go well with red wine - maybe it's a sign.'
There might be flies on you, but there weren't any flies on Jesus.... Well, not until he died, anyway.
There's a man in a hospital bed, clinging to the edge, wearing very itchy clothing. A wayward nurse walks by and asks him whether he'd like to slip into something more comfortable. 'A coma, for instance?' she asks.
Here's an idea: never listen to the song 'Let's Twist Again' whilst you're cooking dinner - your dinner's liable to get very salty.
I think someone should make a Columbine edition of High School Musical. However, it seems that most of the production value might be solely in shooting scenes.
I had a birthday recently. I turned twenty and it was awful. I had no idea that my mother had been saving the afterbirth for all these years. What can I tell you? Well, it was very meaty.
I love it when my cat's licking himself back and forth like he's in some sort of a time-loop. I half expect him to stop and go 'Jesus! Well, that was odd!'
When I was little, I'd hear my parents say: 'Don't let your niggles eat away at you.' As a child, I used to think that the numbness in my toes on cold mornings was the niggles eating away at my feet.
Freud walks into a bar and slips in a puddle of beer. 'Mother fucker!' he yells, as he tumbles down in the sticky mess. 'Oops!' yells someone else in the bar. 'Freudian slip!'
(Alternatively, Freud gets his mother a new negligee - or, as he calls it, a Freudian Slip. Yeah, I think I've tired that format pretty thin now.)
I was having a shower the other day. I noticed it took about a minute to warm up, whereas water from the tap comes out hot almost instantly. 'Why can't you be more like your fucking brother?' I thought.
What's the difference between a safety blanket and a regular blanket? A dangerous situation.
What's the best type of bomb to eat for breakfast? A cluster bomb. Mmm, yummy!
I have a packet of gravy granules that died the other day. I scattered its ashes into the sea. It went to a watery gravy.
My penis is so big that my girlfriend often can't tell whether I'm making love to her or assaulting her.
What's the difference between sex on the beach and sex at home? Comfort, unless you take a mattress to the beach with you.
I sent a letter containing a joke to my dad. He didn't get it. I tried re-delivery.
What's the difference between a carrot and a cabbage? You can satisfy a woman with a carrot but a cabbage always goes unappreciated.
What's the solution to the coming obesity problem? Feed fat people to less fat, but still quite portly, people.
What's better than sexy? Sex F.
What's a gay man's favourite pizza topping? Meat feast.
Who needs shoes when you can have leather socks?
I imagine that people get sick of Tina Turner 'cause she's always forcibly turning women around whenever she hears her surname.
What's worse than catching one STD? Finding out the person you caught it from has more than one.
I forced a rapist to have sex with me. He wasn't willing.
What's worse than a long, drawn-out cry? A long, drawn-in sigh.
How can you enter a loveless marriage? I dunno - make up a reason.
What's worse than a Smurf? Blue-baby syndrome.
What's worse than a crap story. A conversation with a farmer about manure.
Don't quarrel with coral: that shit is sharp!
What's the difference between a vagrant and a grandma? A vagrant has an excuse to smell so bad.
What's the difference between positive and negative feedback? Who gives a shit? At least I'm getting some!
How many people does it take to change the world? Just one, as long as she's insistent, complains a lot, and has a valid receipt.
How many fat people does it take to sink a boat? Just one, as long as he's fat, stupid, drunk and captaining the boat.
What's the difference between Charlize Theron and Sloth from The Goonies? Symmetry.
I bought a cat-flap the other day. I made sure it was burglar-proof. I ended up being burgled by a cat burglar.
I often get asked if I'm gay. I'm not gay; I have Heavy Hand Syndrome.
The other day, I was feeling lonely. I needed someone to talk to and some shoes, also. I eventually settled on Converse. (What are the best shoes to have a conversation with? Converse.)
Why was the boxer thrown out of the comedy club? He couldn't grasp the basis of punch lines.
What's the difference between a finger and a thumb? Most girls prefer to be fingered.
What did the woman with two vaginas say to her boyfriend? 'You're making me wet. Or is that just my other vagina?'
The other day, I walked into a butcher's and asked if he had any meat sauce in stock. 'No,' he replied. 'But we do have the finished product.'
A woman's driving home when she's all of a sudden pulled over by a policeman. He taps on the window and says: 'Name and registration, please.' The woman replies 'Elisa...' but is cut off in mid-sentence. The policeman rushes back to his vehicle and returns a few minutes later with a tube of toothpaste. He hands it to her and, perplexed, she asks: 'Well, aren't you gonna do the breathalyser thing?' 'No,' replies the policeman. 'But this is for your breath, Elisa.'
Why did the paedophile cross the road? To get to the other slide.
What do you call a contract covered in super glue? A binding contract.
I had a conversation with my spa-working friend a time ago. She told me that young girls who are up-the-duff prefer to use Clinique.
What was the reason the amateur golfer couldn't get to the golfing green? He couldn't drive.
The other day, I had to go to the dentist's. On the way, I began to feel quite hungry. I subdued the urge, however. After a check up, I was required to have a small filling and my hunger soon strangely disappeared. 'How was it?', asked my dentist. 'Very filling, thanks,' I replied.
I went to a sperm clinic the other day. I produced too much. I found some spare envelopes when I returned home so I sent everyone my love.
I found myself at the edge of reason after watching 'Bridgette Jones: The Edge of Reason'.
What's worse than a lesbian? A straight woman showing all the symptoms.
What's the difference between a woman and a dildo? A few inches, until she pops it in there.
What's the similarity between your wife and her flannel? Both smell of vagina and both have been on your face.
Have you seen the Muffin Man? Don't worry: I know a good psychiatrist.
How many grandmothers do you need to start the cobweb-gathering process? It depends on the amount of corners in your house - find one and the process starts.
What's a bigger killer than death? A transvestite in a room full of insecure men.
I went to a party the other night wearing a pig mask, armed with a shotgun and a pistol.... It turned out the theme of the party was in fact 'masquerade'.
Cillit Bang. Bang! And your limbs are gone.
What's worse than aids? Things that don't aid you. (Maybe this is incorrect as the plural and singular senses of aid are both 'aid'.)
Science isn't magic, unless you're telling very thick people about it.
How much food does it take to fill a fat person? An inordinate amount - they're always growing so this is an exercise in futility.
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It's because you're that weird lady who hangs around in the park feeding the pigeons. Now, please go away.
If love is the greatest thing a person can ever feel, love must be a very, very soft kitten.
When God created the Duck-billed Platypus, was he having a bad day or are all the other species just not living up to his expectations?
Are bananas zombies? The last time I saw something come out of a yellow body bag, it wasn't of such an even temperament as a banana.
It's easy to split an infinitive, but has anyone ever tried splitting infinity? I imagine it's impossibly hard - emphasis on 'impossibly' and the impossible nature of such an idea! - and there are government agencies out there monitoring people who get too curious.
I'm thinking of pitching an idea to BBC1 of producing a version of Byker Grove set in the Bahamas. It'll be called Banana Grove.
How many bananas does it take to pleasure a fifty-year-old prostitute? It's not the amount that counts in this example.
Jim Carrey walks into a bar. Well, he's just not funny anymore so I guess he just bleeds and gets on with it.
Why experiment on monkeys when you can experiment on Lee Evans?
I recently became a Bounty hunter. I searched all over for one of those coconut bastards but couldn't find one anywhere.
I always put my change into two different pockets: one for change; one for spare change.
I walked up to a chav and asked him if he didn't have the time, although I could see he was wearing a watch. He said: 'No.' I said: 'Oxymoron.' He retaliated.
Recently, I was in a car crash. My best friend died, but at least something good came out of it - I harvested his internal organs and sold them on the black market.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Therefore, be alert and learn sign language.
What do you call a lemming wearing a bungee cord? A good idea.
How much love does it take to fill a room? It depends on how big your testicles are and how eager you are to share that love.
How can you increase the size of your cock? Growth hormones.
What's the difference between a lightbulb and a light bulb? Mass.
What's the difference between a picture and an image? I can't imagine a picture.
What's the difference between the President and an unemployed person? Presiding over things.
What's the difference between a complicated word and a dictionary? You can stun a stupid person with a complicated word, but you can knock them out with a dictionary.
What's worse than being blind? Having blurry vision.
I was blind for most of my life until I walked into Vision Express... what a surprise that was!
How many gags does it take to suffocate a person? Just one, as long as you can hold it for long enough.
What's milk? Cream that couldn't handle the pressure.
What do you call vermin that can play the cello? Vermicelli.
I was watching TV with my granny when she started to complain that she couldn't see the picture very well. After several minutes, I eventually smashed her head through the screen.
I used to have a very small child. I tried placing him in a grow bag but he eventually suffocated. Ultimately, it was an easy burial.
I used to be into defenestration but now that's gone right out the window.
I'm a job-seeking pharaoh. Recently, I applied for a position as a train driver. During the interview, the conductor of the interview asked me if I had any driving experience. 'Yes,' I replied, 'I used to be a slave-driver.' 'Oh', he replied. 'Care for some juice?' he asked, as he motioned towards the juice-filled jug. 'No,' I replied. 'I've got plenty of Jews back home.'
What's worse than a cunt? A woman who can't take a joke.
I have a computer made out of fruit. It runs on bananarama. (BananaRAMa.)
You can always count on your friends if your friends are abacuses.
God walks into a bar. 'Ouch!' he says. 'I don't remember putting that there!'
I didn't use to like people calling me a mother fucker without reason.... Yes, I eventually did sleep with her so as not to be offended in future.
I went to my doctor recently complaining that I felt quite bunged up. He said: 'What do you expect? You're a fucking conical flask, for Chrissakes!'
What's better than a blow job? A blow job if your penis is on fire.
Recently, my cat fused with an apostrophe. It was a catastrophe.
I was shopping with my friend the other day when I thought I might like to get some needles and thread. We were in the store when I realised I had to be somewhere quite important and had to run. 'Sorry,' I said. 'I've got to haberdashery.'
How many monkeys does it take to ruin a party? It takes another party of preferably cannibalistic monkeys seeking to expand their territory to ruin a party [of monkeys].
I often start conversations using jumbled syntax, vernacular words and uneducated points. I progressively become more erudite and charming as the conversation develops. This helps to gradually confuse and belittle other members partaking in the conversation.
How do you piss off someone who wants to be euthanised? Introduce them to Jesus Christ over and over again.
What did George Bush say when he met our nearest common ancestor? 'Wow, I didn't expect you to be so advanced!'
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