TNT.

The following link leads to a page on London's art scene. Some of the words have been distilled from my feature; the others from staff writer Daniel Landon. It's nothing to brag about, but it's all the professional work I have on my resumé!

http://tntonline.co.uk/tnt_today/london_stories/london-stories/london-s-art-galleries.aspx

All the jokes I've ever written.

I know it's ambitious, but the following is a list of all the jokes I've ever written (in no particular order):


In the 1800s, fair-trade was the following: 'Give us your tea and coffee and we won't rape your women.'

Mumbai potatoes.... It hasn't got the same ring as Bombay, has it?

The other day, I accosted a street psychic and punched him in the face. He didn't see that coming.

An American Indian walks into a hotel. 'Do you have a reservation?' asks the concierge. 'Fuck you!' replies the Amerindian.

My girlfriend's into anal sex... she's very frigid and very rarely does anything other than missionary.

My dog's a detective. The other day, a local pet shop was broken into and some dog merchandise was stolen. Upon investigating the scene, my dog was asked by the shopkeeper: 'So, are you any the wiser yet?' To which my dog replied: 'No: we've no leads yet; we've yet to collar anyone.'

Why did the nigger cross the road? To get away from you, you fucking bigot. You disgust me.

My father often tells me I'm a terrible bastard. Apparently, my elder brother - who was also conceived outside of wedlock - is a much better one.

There's an indoor swimming pool in my town one can go to that re-creates the conditions of night swimming during the day-time.

What's the difference between a penis and a vagina? One needs to be washed before sex; one afterwards.

Why did the chicken cross the road? Because it was paid twenty pounds to fulfil the punch line of a very poor joke.

A Jewish man walks into a bar. 'How much for a pint of Kronenberg?' he asks. '£4.00,' replies the barman. 'No way!' says the Jew. 'Yahveh,' replies the barman.

My friend's a butcher. The other day, he told me he wanted to start a scrapbook. He did. He asked me to take a look at it. 'You are aware these pages have offal stuck to them, right, Phil?' I asked. 'Yeah,' he replied. 'It's a scrapbook.'

What do you call a policeman on horse-back? A clippety-clop cop.
What happened to the woman who almost died swallowing a comb? She had a brush with death.

What's the best way to get drunk if you're a vampire? Drink Jesus' blood.

What did the sign down by the shallow end of the pool read? 'No ugly people.'

What's the name of Pop-eye's older travelling brother? Bub-eye.

I was sitting down the other day eating some lemon meringue pie when my friend rang. He could tell I was eating so he asked me what it was I was chowing down on. I said 'Meringue.' He replied: 'That's funny: I thought I rang you.'

What happened when the plane's engines stalled and, simultaneously, two grossly obese people died from cardiac arrest? The crew had to throw them from the plane in order to lose some dead weight.

What's worse than a clown? A paedophile with large pockets wearing lipstick.

What's worse than a paedophile? A swarm of paedophiles surrounding a school. (If paedophiles were wasps - I imagine their stingers would be pricks.)

I have an Elven friend who recently stopped working at Santa's grotto. He complained that the pension plan was comprised of nothing but train sets.

I have a scientist friend who's a practising cannibal. I leant him a scientific journal. He ate the appendix.

I had a conversation the other day with a hot air balloon. It wouldn't stop gassing.

My mum got a perm the other day. It wouldn't recede. She called it a permanent.

After unsuccessfully looking around for some tea-flavoured fruit, I eventually settled on Twinings tea.

Do you wonder whether self-conscious homosexual men ever meet up, get drunk, and then go out and beat up heterosexual men?

Cancer-prevention is a growth industry.

A new abortion clinic recently opened up in Brighton. Unfortunately - due to high demand - there's a waiting list of nine months.

Most homosexual men are still in the closet because they have a penchant for fashion.

I was at a very formal dinner party the other night with several people with high-pitched voices when a man with a baritone voice entered the room and told a very crude joke. That certainly lowered the tone of the evening.

What's worse than a high-brow person? An enraged low-brow person.


What's worse than Aids? Aids plus a nasty infection.

Don't beat around the bush: the animal will only evade you. Why not try dousing the bush with kerosene?

'Brand-spanking' new.... I tried beating on some Ariel powder but it didn't do anything for me.

It doesn't surprise me that most hoods living around L.A. South Central are out of work: they all go around calling each other 'ill'.

When I see public school children in burgundy blazers I think: 'Well, they might go well with red wine - maybe it's a sign.'

There might be flies on you, but there weren't any flies on Jesus.... Well, not until he died, anyway.

There's a man in a hospital bed, clinging to the edge, wearing very itchy clothing. A wayward nurse walks by and asks him whether he'd like to slip into something more comfortable. 'A coma, for instance?' she asks.

Here's an idea: never listen to the song 'Let's Twist Again' whilst you're cooking dinner - your dinner's liable to get very salty.

I think someone should make a Columbine edition of High School Musical. However, it seems that most of the production value might be solely in shooting scenes.

I had a birthday recently. I turned twenty and it was awful. I had no idea that my mother had been saving the afterbirth for all these years. What can I tell you? Well, it was very meaty.

I love it when my cat's licking himself back and forth like he's in some sort of a time-loop. I half expect him to stop and go 'Jesus! Well, that was odd!'

When I was little, I'd hear my parents say: 'Don't let your niggles eat away at you.' As a child, I used to think that the numbness in my toes on cold mornings was the niggles eating away at my feet.

Freud walks into a bar and slips in a puddle of beer. 'Mother fucker!' he yells, as he tumbles down in the sticky mess. 'Oops!' yells someone else in the bar. 'Freudian slip!'

(Alternatively, Freud gets his mother a new negligee - or, as he calls it, a Freudian Slip. Yeah, I think I've tired that format pretty thin now.)

I was having a shower the other day. I noticed it took about a minute to warm up, whereas water from the tap comes out hot almost instantly. 'Why can't you be more like your fucking brother?' I thought.

What's the difference between a safety blanket and a regular blanket? A dangerous situation.

What's the best type of bomb to eat for breakfast? A cluster bomb. Mmm, yummy!

I have a packet of gravy granules that died the other day. I scattered its ashes into the sea. It went to a watery gravy.

My penis is so big that my girlfriend often can't tell whether I'm making love to her or assaulting her.

What's the difference between sex on the beach and sex at home? Comfort, unless you take a mattress to the beach with you.

I sent a letter containing a joke to my dad. He didn't get it. I tried re-delivery.

What's the difference between a carrot and a cabbage? You can satisfy a woman with a carrot but a cabbage always goes unappreciated.

What's the solution to the coming obesity problem? Feed fat people to less fat, but still quite portly, people.

What's better than sexy? Sex F.

What's a gay man's favourite pizza topping? Meat feast.

Who needs shoes when you can have leather socks?

I imagine that people get sick of Tina Turner 'cause she's always forcibly turning women around whenever she hears her surname.

What's worse than catching one STD? Finding out the person you caught it from has more than one.

I forced a rapist to have sex with me. He wasn't willing.

What's worse than a long, drawn-out cry? A long, drawn-in sigh.

How can you enter a loveless marriage? I dunno - make up a reason.

What's worse than a Smurf? Blue-baby syndrome.

What's worse than a crap story. A conversation with a farmer about manure.

Don't quarrel with coral: that shit is sharp!

What's the difference between a vagrant and a grandma? A vagrant has an excuse to smell so bad.

What's the difference between positive and negative feedback? Who gives a shit? At least I'm getting some!

How many people does it take to change the world? Just one, as long as she's insistent, complains a lot, and has a valid receipt.

How many fat people does it take to sink a boat? Just one, as long as he's fat, stupid, drunk and captaining the boat.

What's the difference between Charlize Theron and Sloth from The Goonies? Symmetry.

I bought a cat-flap the other day. I made sure it was burglar-proof. I ended up being burgled by a cat burglar.

I often get asked if I'm gay. I'm not gay; I have Heavy Hand Syndrome.

The other day, I was feeling lonely. I needed someone to talk to and some shoes, also. I eventually settled on Converse. (What are the best shoes to have a conversation with? Converse.)

Why was the boxer thrown out of the comedy club? He couldn't grasp the basis of punch lines.

What's the difference between a finger and a thumb? Most girls prefer to be fingered.

What did the woman with two vaginas say to her boyfriend? 'You're making me wet. Or is that just my other vagina?'

The other day, I walked into a butcher's and asked if he had any meat sauce in stock. 'No,' he replied. 'But we do have the finished product.'

A woman's driving home when she's all of a sudden pulled over by a policeman. He taps on the window and says: 'Name and registration, please.' The woman replies 'Elisa...' but is cut off in mid-sentence. The policeman rushes back to his vehicle and returns a few minutes later with a tube of toothpaste. He hands it to her and, perplexed, she asks: 'Well, aren't you gonna do the breathalyser thing?' 'No,' replies the policeman. 'But this is for your breath, Elisa.'

Why did the paedophile cross the road? To get to the other slide.

What do you call a contract covered in super glue? A binding contract.

I had a conversation with my spa-working friend a time ago. She told me that young girls who are up-the-duff prefer to use Clinique.

What was the reason the amateur golfer couldn't get to the golfing green? He couldn't drive.

The other day, I had to go to the dentist's. On the way, I began to feel quite hungry. I subdued the urge, however. After a check up, I was required to have a small filling and my hunger soon strangely disappeared. 'How was it?', asked my dentist. 'Very filling, thanks,' I replied.

I went to a sperm clinic the other day. I produced too much. I found some spare envelopes when I returned home so I sent everyone my love.

I found myself at the edge of reason after watching 'Bridgette Jones: The Edge of Reason'.

What's worse than a lesbian? A straight woman showing all the symptoms.

What's the difference between a woman and a dildo? A few inches, until she pops it in there.

What's the similarity between your wife and her flannel? Both smell of vagina and both have been on your face.

Have you seen the Muffin Man? Don't worry: I know a good psychiatrist.

How many grandmothers do you need to start the cobweb-gathering process? It depends on the amount of corners in your house - find one and the process starts.

What's a bigger killer than death? A transvestite in a room full of insecure men.

I went to a party the other night wearing a pig mask, armed with a shotgun and a pistol.... It turned out the theme of the party was in fact 'masquerade'.

Cillit Bang. Bang! And your limbs are gone.

What's worse than aids? Things that don't aid you. (Maybe this is incorrect as the plural and singular senses of aid are both 'aid'.)

Science isn't magic, unless you're telling very thick people about it.

How much food does it take to fill a fat person? An inordinate amount - they're always growing so this is an exercise in futility.

Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It's because you're that weird lady who hangs around in the park feeding the pigeons. Now, please go away.

If love is the greatest thing a person can ever feel, love must be a very, very soft kitten.

When God created the Duck-billed Platypus, was he having a bad day or are all the other species just not living up to his expectations?

Are bananas zombies? The last time I saw something come out of a yellow body bag, it wasn't of such an even temperament as a banana.

It's easy to split an infinitive, but has anyone ever tried splitting infinity? I imagine it's impossibly hard - emphasis on 'impossibly' and the impossible nature of such an idea! - and there are government agencies out there monitoring people who get too curious.

I'm thinking of pitching an idea to BBC1 of producing a version of Byker Grove set in the Bahamas. It'll be called Banana Grove.

How many bananas does it take to pleasure a fifty-year-old prostitute? It's not the amount that counts in this example.

Jim Carrey walks into a bar. Well, he's just not funny anymore so I guess he just bleeds and gets on with it.

Why experiment on monkeys when you can experiment on Lee Evans?

I recently became a Bounty hunter. I searched all over for one of those coconut bastards but couldn't find one anywhere.

I always put my change into two different pockets: one for change; one for spare change.

I walked up to a chav and asked him if he didn't have the time, although I could see he was wearing a watch. He said: 'No.' I said: 'Oxymoron.' He retaliated.

Recently, I was in a car crash. My best friend died, but at least something good came out of it - I harvested his internal organs and sold them on the black market.

In space, no one can hear you scream. Therefore, be alert and learn sign language.

What do you call a lemming wearing a bungee cord? A good idea.

How much love does it take to fill a room? It depends on how big your testicles are and how eager you are to share that love.

How can you increase the size of your cock? Growth hormones.

What's the difference between a lightbulb and a light bulb? Mass.

What's the difference between a picture and an image? I can't imagine a picture.

What's the difference between the President and an unemployed person? Presiding over things.

What's the difference between a complicated word and a dictionary? You can stun a stupid person with a complicated word, but you can knock them out with a dictionary.

What's worse than being blind? Having blurry vision.

I was blind for most of my life until I walked into Vision Express... what a surprise that was!

How many gags does it take to suffocate a person? Just one, as long as you can hold it for long enough.

What's milk? Cream that couldn't handle the pressure.

What do you call vermin that can play the cello? Vermicelli.

I was watching TV with my granny when she started to complain that she couldn't see the picture very well. After several minutes, I eventually smashed her head through the screen.

I used to have a very small child. I tried placing him in a grow bag but he eventually suffocated. Ultimately, it was an easy burial.

I used to be into defenestration but now that's gone right out the window.

I'm a job-seeking pharaoh. Recently, I applied for a position as a train driver. During the interview, the conductor of the interview asked me if I had any driving experience. 'Yes,' I replied, 'I used to be a slave-driver.' 'Oh', he replied. 'Care for some juice?' he asked, as he motioned towards the juice-filled jug. 'No,' I replied. 'I've got plenty of Jews back home.'

What's worse than a cunt? A woman who can't take a joke.

I have a computer made out of fruit. It runs on bananarama. (BananaRAMa.)

You can always count on your friends if your friends are abacuses.

God walks into a bar. 'Ouch!' he says. 'I don't remember putting that there!'

I didn't use to like people calling me a mother fucker without reason.... Yes, I eventually did sleep with her so as not to be offended in future.

I went to my doctor recently complaining that I felt quite bunged up. He said: 'What do you expect? You're a fucking conical flask, for Chrissakes!'

What's better than a blow job? A blow job if your penis is on fire.

Recently, my cat fused with an apostrophe. It was a catastrophe.

I was shopping with my friend the other day when I thought I might like to get some needles and thread. We were in the store when I realised I had to be somewhere quite important and had to run. 'Sorry,' I said. 'I've got to haberdashery.'

How many monkeys does it take to ruin a party? It takes another party of preferably cannibalistic monkeys seeking to expand their territory to ruin a party [of monkeys].

I often start conversations using jumbled syntax, vernacular words and uneducated points. I progressively become more erudite and charming as the conversation develops. This helps to gradually confuse and belittle other members partaking in the conversation.

How do you piss off someone who wants to be euthanised? Introduce them to Jesus Christ over and over again.

What did George Bush say when he met our nearest common ancestor? 'Wow, I didn't expect you to be so advanced!'

What's the difference between jam and a traffic jam? A traffic jam's slightly more crunchy if you spread it on toast.

Summer.

Isn't summer great? Hot, clammy, sweaty, sun-burnt. Isn't it great? I like the fact that I can go to the beach and hear other people's shitty music, so it's a win-win for me. I like seeing thousands of partnered women showing off their tits and arse-cracks. If you get the angle right, you can get a good look at their pussies, too.

I like going to the beach to be with happy, cool people who have tanned skin and white teeth. I, on the other hand, have white skin and tanned teeth. My skin reflects must of the sunlight away from the beach, blinding many innocent children in the process.

Don't you love the sea? It's cool... and full of shit. It's salty. It burns your eyes and makes you want to tear out your own throat. Isn't it great? And God love all the children; those happy smiles laced with the knowingness that mummy and daddy - and their fat wallets - are never too far away.

I was accosted by a woman in the sea today. For some strange reason, she told me she's a born-again Christian. I don't go up to people telling them I'm an atheist. Maybe I exude an aura of infidelity on which these God-botherers can pick up. Anyway, I entertained her beliefs. She said: 'Isn't it a lovely day. I'm happy in the knowledge that eternity is never too far away, though.' I hope eternity caters for the mentally ill - maybe there's a special wing. I guess Heaven's nothing more than a mental asylum for all these warped, religious minds.

Although Brighton beach is pretty hellish - what with the massive pebbles and the glaring, blue, reflective haze - I think I can manage it just for one day. On that thought, I think I might have a beer... maybe ten or twelve.

Another year, another...

Another year, another chance to mindfuck the entire population of Great Britain. Several hundred more goons unrepresentative of the British public are about to get a chance to go on TV and exercise their pipes - alongside the two most repulsively annoying men in broadcasting (and I don't mean Piers Morgan and David Hasselhoff).

The panel - Cowell, Walsh, Minogue and Cole - will give equal measures of grimacing and applause as the never-ending stream of cretins streams in and out of the audition room (or at least the cretins that we get to see).

You'll have more chances to see fat, common women shout and bellow at the judges; more sob stories of young men, injured men and women, and single parents; more young, good-looking TV fodder in the shape of young men and male bands; more tits and flesh in the shape of young women and girl bands; and more token appearances from teenagers singing like they've shit in their mouths and old people singing ditties from the 40s and 50s.

Enjoy the fucking show, Great Britain!

Facebook group.

I created an atheistic Facebook group which I think far surpasses most others available in its scope and information. You can join here: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=120019058170&ref=ts

Friday afternoon in glorious Brighton.

I've just this minute come home, my mind racing from the dog stadium scum hole that is Brighton. I left the house at around 1.30 with my dad. We put on a bit of The Lonesome Crowded West (much to his discontent) and jammed to Jesus Christ was an Only Child before gasping in awe at the thunderous, heavenly, strawberry-scented pussy that is Doing the Cockroach.

But then we arrived at Asda - the supermarket which usurps Lidl in its shoppers, which are, to put it lightly, the outcomes of second-rate spermatozoa. My dad got a little trolley which turned out to be wonky. I pushed it towards the shop but then left it after my dad noticed its mechanical faults. 'You idiot,' he shouted, in full view of dozens of Coke-swigging, ice-cream-eating cretins with hazy eyes. 'There's a pound in it still.' I was so taken aback that I didn't know what to do.

Eventually, I went back to the car to grab my stuff. I returned the keys to daddy dearest, but not before buying a piece-of-shit sandwich - chicken and bacon, if you must know. At the cigarette counter, a woman plastered in tattoos was taking her time whilst her little blonde daughter bellowed and shouted commands. She began to hit her mum. The woman looked around bovinely as if to see what was going on. The kid continued. If only I had a pistol at this point - sometimes I salute the United States of Gun Crime.

I walked along the seafront as a gale blustered against me. I tried to read a bit of Love All the People (Bill Hicks), but my mind was somewhere out there with the wheeling gulls. Eventually, I got into the chapter and liked what I read - I'd finally got to the bit where he sends John Lahr a letter about being censored on Letterman. Suddenly, I gazed up from my book and noticed three young boys all wearing similar, blue checkered shirts. I braced myself for the worst. As I passed, I heard: 'Oh! I can read and walk.' I thought to myself: 'Yeah? Well I can walk and shut the fuck up.' I said: 'I like your shirts. You're aware you look very similar, right?' God, I'm pathetic - what a weak comeback. I don't know whether I can take this shit for much longer. My blood is English for sure but I'm sure my real family waits for me on some distant, wind-battered shore (other than Brighton's).

Some semblance of normality returned when I went to Waterstones - I hate the Library (even though I use it quite often). I grabbed Nelson Mandella's autobiography and caught the elevator to the fourth floor. I went to the politics section and grabbed a few Chomskys - not before getting a book on linguistics by him. I also got Flat Earth News (which I've been meaning to read for years) and The Conscience of a Liberal. I ordered in a few George Carlin books and felt a sudden, pink-tinged rush of hope. If only I can wait three weeks 'til they arrive - then I won't have to do something regrettable to any of the young urchins of this town.

On the way back into town - and this is the happy highlight of my day - I saw a drunk man sitting in a garage opening listening to blaring 80s tunes. I gave him the thumbs and said: 'Hey, dude!' He smiled back, although he probably thought I was mocking him in his state of careless insobriety. I wondered whether I should've gone back to sit with him for a bit; maybe learn some real stories. My more pragmatic, consumer side kicked in, though, and I remained on the beaten path like the rest of the bleating herd.

I walked to The Level (a local park) after popping into Sainsbury's for some pressé. As I approached, I saw a woman in a black hat. She's a relation of my mum's but she's quite backwards. I was feeling full of pep for once so I approached her - bearing in mind I've never approached her before. 'Do you know Karen Head?' I asked her. 'No,' she replied, along with some other incomprehensible drivel. A black man saw me speaking to her and noted her flustered state. He ushered me over as if maybe I were the one with mental problems. 'What are you doing?' I explained the situation to him (obligingly, of course - seeing as it was none of his business (maybe he's a Christian or something)) but he didn't seem to understand. He asked me: 'Are you okay?' I replied the only way I know how. Besides, how do I know if I'm okay? You tell me. Use your own amazing powers of discernment.

I sat down on the grass and drank my pressé. The sky was dotted with rafts of cumulus clouds and a faint wind lapped at my bald head. 'I'm a prisoner of my own thoughts here. I hate this park,' I thought. I drank up and left, inadvertently leaving behind my bottle. I need to keep hoping, but how can I contend with some of these people? This city is bearing down on me like judge and jury and I don't like the feeling. I'm stuck here - in this gorgeous town which is my own personal hell. I feel like crying. Buckle up, son. You're a man now. My head is dizzy from my flurried typing. I guess I'd better do something prosaic like cook dinner.

Note: I originally wrote this in the present tense but then changed it to the past. If anyone sees any mixing of tenses, please tell me and I'll correct the errors.

On secularism.

We, in secular countries, have both the right to practise any religion we like and the right/freedom not to practise religion. America is not a Christian country; it's a secular country with a Christian majority. 

Religious majorities should not be given precedence over any other minorities - but this is what Christian coalitions lobby for. 

In some Muslim states (i.e. run by Muslim clerics with the Qur'an as the foundation of their 'democracies'), that freedom isn't afforded.

No single theist can be persecuted in a secular country: if a person of any religious stripe is harassed or attacked in America or any European country, the instigator(s) of such actions will be punished for both assault (or whatever the physical nature of the crime is) and for inciting religious hatred. 

But what if the victim is an atheist? If an atheist is attacked because of their beliefs, the instigator of the attack can be charged only with the physical nature of the crime and not motives arising through religious bigotry/hate. Isn't that great?

The truth about Christianity.

There are dozens of offshoots of Christianity: Catholicism, Protestantism, Greek Orthodoxy, Jesuit churches, Baptist churches, Revivalist churches, Pentecostal churches, Anglicanism/episcopalianism, Latter-Day Saints (aka Mormonism), Eastern Orthodoxy, Evangelism (born-again churches), Branch-Davidian churches, Methodist churches, ad infinitum. These are all separate churches (schools of thought) dealing with the same faith; the same holy book - that book being the Bible.

Now, you'd think that - if the Holy Bible is the true and infallible word of God - there could be no separatism within Christianity. And yet there is. These bodies all interpret the Bible in different ways - interpret being the key word. They twist the words (and cherry-pick certain passages) to justify their own means. To twist the words of the supposedly one and only deity must take a hell of a lot of faith for a Christian!

The New Testament was finished in around 200 AD - 167 years after the death of Christ. You think that leaves a lot of time for these folks to fill in the gaps and twist certain details? Christ was a brilliant baker and he had a keen taste for wine. No, wait! Let's just say he is made of bread and wine. Yeah! The Eucharist, motherfucker! Christ walked upon the water of a shallow puddle. No, wait! Let's just say he can walk on any body of water! Yeah! (Christ must make for a brilliant buoyancy aid - forget inflatable rings; throw me a Christ!)

The Old Testament was written in around the year 1500 BC. Moses was the champion of the Jews - he spoke to God through a burning bush on Mount Sinai - when no one was around - and received the Ten Commandments from Yahveh (along with a command to take his people to Judea). Next, along came Abraham who had a son: David. David went on all kinds of whacky adventures (such as killing a giant man called Goliath with a sling shot - doesn't that sound like something out of a Beano comic to you?) And Jesus was - supposedly - of the line of David. Now, the twelve apostles had - one can say - quite a lot of time to connect the dots. And yet they failed. The prophet of the line of David was meant to be born in Bethlehem, but he was in fact born in Nazareth. Doesn't that strike you as... well... not fitting in with the prophecy? Well, I can't be sure, but... LOOK AT THAT MASSIVE GLARING ERROR! LOOK AT IT! JESUS! IT'S LIKE A WELT ON YOUR FUCKING FOREHEAD! LOOK AT IT!

It also strikes me as odd that we meet Jesus as a newborn baby in Nazareth and then as an adult at the age of thirty. I'm guessing during his youth he sat around smoking pot and listening to Judas Priest and fiddling with his balls - something dull and unimportant like that.

Another of my niggles has to do with certain factual errors in the Bible. Firstly, I'll start at the beginning. Forget that God created the world in total darkness before creating light; forget about Eve being fashioned out of one of Adam's ribs; forget about the talking snake; forget about Jonah living inside the big fish (I'm guessing a tuna) for three days; forget that the world is - as of today - supposedly 6,013 years old; forget about Noah fulfilling the impossible task of fitting each species - the total of which numbers in the billions - onto a tiny boat; and forget the fact that God gives no mention of dinosaurs. What concerns me is the following: Adam and Eve committed the first original sin* by having children (so exercising their free will (which was awarded them by God) and angering their oh-so-precious, jealous God). Their children were Cain and Abel. Of course, Cain grew up to eventually kill Abel. They were banished by God from Eden and had to live in Nod - east of Eden. In the next chapter, we go on to hear about Cain's wife. 'Wait,' I hear you ask. 'Where did she come from?' Exactly. Eve conceived no female children. That detail was made up. You'd think that might be important, right? Apparently, God forgets things here and there. (Also, if she did have a female child, Cain and she would still be committing incest - an abomination in the face of the Lord.)

Defects in Christ's teachings and behaviours:

A lot of people think Christ was the best and wisest of men. They do this unthinkingly and with little or no knowledge of the subject. Yes, Christ said the meek shall inherit the Earth (when he comes back to kill all the non-believers and cast them into Hell like withering sticks), and he also said that we should turn the other cheek. One thing that's always misappropriated to Christ is the adage: "Do unto others that which you would wish to be done unto yourself". That little nugget was in fact said by Confucius around 500 years before the birth of Christ.

I know the details quite roughly - being an infidel and all - but here's what I know. In the story of the Gadarene Swine, some people are being possessed by demons. Christ comes along and - pow! - he gets rid of the demons. But that's not the whole story. Instead of vanquishing the demons with his powers of omnipotence, he sends them into the bodies of pigs. The pigs proceed to run down a hill in madness into the Mediterranean sea and drown. Does that seem very moral to you?

Another one of my favourites is the parable of the fig tree. Christ comes across a fig tree that bears no fruit. In anger, he reduces the tree to ashes and expounds something along the lines of: 'Fig tree, on thee shalt ne'er groweth figs from herein' - give or take my poor attempt at Middle English. It's not the fig tree's fault that it bore no fruit. The fact is that, when Christ came upon the tree, it was not the season in which figs grow. Albeit a fig tree cannot feel pain, but the action strikes me as immoral nonetheless - all this coming from a perfect being.

Also, whilst Christ - quite admirably - never said anything of homosexuality (unlike the maddened Yahveh of the Old Testament) he was very vocal on hell and punishment. He said: "I have come to set the son at variance with the father, and the daughter at variance with the mother" - in effect, he's saying that a Christian must put God and Jesus before family. He was neutral on punishment, though - unlike Yahveh who said that disobedient children and adulterers should be stoned to death (as should be people who turn to other, 'impure' gods).*

Why can't Christians be less Christian and more Christ-like? It's because they want to tell people what to do and not do it themselves. Missionaries travel to certain countries - Mexico, Nigeria, Uganda... - to help people build schools and clinics, but then they also teach them that they shouldn't wear contraception and that they should pro-create as much as possible upon consummation. They tell them that Hell awaits them if they should be so brash as to commit even the pettiest of sins. They tell them in order to be granted favour with God. They do things not out of the goodness of their own hearts, but, rather, for eternity. They do it through fear. They hope and pray for Heaven and they feel a real and tangible fear of Hell. Fear compels the best of religious people to commit great misdeeds. Hope compels the hopeless to try to reach their goals. Religious people have blinkers upon their eyes. They feel they're doing good, when the ends they create are more evil, regressive and degenerative than they could ever imagine with their narrow views of existence.

I will update this in future as I feel I've missed quite a bit out. Stay tuned, kids. Remember: be yourselves and don't take any bullshit! On a different note, don't fuck until you get married, kids. Your penis makes you a very naughty boy, young man. You must refrain from having sex. When you get married, though, you can fuck as much as you like - without condoms, too! You can have as many little waterhead babies as you like. What? No! Forget about resources; God'll sort that out. Just keep fucking! Do God's work - and fuck! (It's funny, you know: your mother and I are both Catholic and we hardly ever fuck anymore. I guess that's 'cause she's so fucking ugly, though - it's amazing what fourteen kids can do to a woman's anatomy.)

* Original sin: after Adam and Eve did the wild thing, they - and their descendants - were for ever separated from their loving God as being fallen creatures. (Isn't that nice? Brings a tear to my eye.) Luckily for me, I'm an atheist and an evolved being so no such condemnations apply to me. Enjoy your day.

*In fact, in Deuteronomy, God says that if one knows of a town in which people worship a foreign god, one should kill all the babies, children, adults and livestock in that town and raze it. Doesn't he seem like such a lovely god? A loving god? And remember, this god supposedly created all of us - even the heathen. How competent can a god be if he creates 'perfect' things which he then feels must be destroyed? I for one don't care for such incompetence, evil and immorality.

Religulous.

The following is a link to Bill Maher's 'Religulous' (2008) - a feature documentary on the irrationality of religious belief. Enjoy it.

http://video.google.com/videosearch?q=Religulous&emb=0&aq=f#

A few thoughts on sin (updated version).

Introduction:

The Ten Commandments are superstitious bullshit that don't apply to modern life whatsoever*. What about Christ? Christ was perhaps one of the best moral teachers (with the exception of Aristotle, the Buddha and Confucius - who greatly surpass him in wisdom and insight). He said - in his Sermon on the Mount - that the meek will inherit the Earth. He also said that Christians shoudn't go to church to pray.

Popes, The Immaculate Conception and the idea of Original Sin all came along long after Christ died - around and after the time of Saint Paul (who was, in effect, the first pope) - and go against his ideas. After all, if one can choose not to be virtuous but still be saved from the torments of hell then where and how does virtue come into it? It seems the idea of repentance is somewhat of a get-out clause. What it really means, of course, is Catholics can commit great evils and be forgiven. I wonder what Christ would have to say about that...?

A few thoughts:

If all sins are equal (this is the kind of shit Christians believe), and God forgives all, then why the fuck be Christian? Why not rape, pillage, curse, defile, steal, cheat, covet (as if that's a fucking sin) and murder? (Oh, wait - Christians do that all the time!) And, whilst we're on the subject, don't forget all those other sins like homosexuality and sodomy and what not. Gay men are fucked! (Excuse the pun.) But lesbians are okay in God's book; God probably does like titties after all. (Oh, come on! He's only fuckin' human! Give the guy a fuckin' break!) Why not go against that Christ fellow whom you're all so mad about and just be fuckin' jerks your whole lives, huh?

Oh, hang on, those are very un-Christian things, right! If all one has to do to be forgiven is 'welcome' Jesus into one's heart, then why not sin all one's life and say 'Oh, sorry, my precious Lord, for turning out to be yet another of your fucked-up creations' just before death? (In circumstances where death is known to be imminent, of course - it wouldn't help if you were to die via being crushed by a ten-tonne piece of whale shit falling randomly from the sky.)

It wouldn't make a difference - if you apply logic to these fucked-up beliefs - if you sin your whole life or never sin once (because everyone, according to Catholic metaphysics and God, gets to be pardoned if they ask for forgiveness). Why even live a good life? I think that - in order that all these poor Christian folks can be saved - God needs to send plenty more Jesuses. Oh, hang on: there is no God. There are no gods or godesses or deities or divine, immortal god progeny - prophets to you and me; not one. There never was a monotheistic god, there never were polytheistic gods, and there never will be; not one. Never.

Good night!

*The only decent commandments are 'Thou shalt not kill' (although some fundamentalist Christians seem to have no problem with killing certain peoples and bombing their countries) and 'Thou shalt not steal'. The Commandments say nothing of rape, incest, torture, war, repression, slavery or prostitution - in fact it's widely known that bronze-age peoples (Christians and Jews) readily kept slaves and often sold female slaves on to other men for sexual use. A final, 11th commandment should go something along the lines of: 'Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself'.

The modern source of religious credulity.

People find their religious beliefs via two sources: indoctrination and despair (or desperation or fear - call it what you will). A child indoctrinated from a young age to believe in Allah or the Abrahamic God will, no doubt, continue believing in that god indefinitely - unless, of course, a balanced and comprehensive education or the good will of more questioning mentors intervenes.

Religion is a source of light for troubled people. People who've had awful misfortune in their lives feel the need to seek a validation and a source of hope that - it seems- mere mortals cannot offer. Maybe such a person has been physically or sexually abused throughout his or her life. Maybe such a person has suffered a loss in the form of the bereavement of a loved one or a child. Obviously, such a person has had the misfortune of not receiving a decent education.

Some people don't know any better. They don't have the opportunities others have. They don't know what to do. People aren't there for them. People come in and out of their lives ephemerally. So, they turn to God - or a god. One thing is obvious, though: if a person believes in God despite the receiving of a decent education, they are IN DENIAL.

The root of all evil.

After perusing many internet pages concerning the evils of religion, I've come away feeling slightly nonplussed. I've seen individuals argue that fear is the cause; or money, or hatred. Money, obviously, is the modern manifestation of a centuries-old system of trade and barter. Whilst money has no intrinsic worth, we use it in exchange for goods and services. Money does not motivate people; the obtaining of material things does.

I agree that hatred is the manifestation of true human ugliness, but what concerns me is fear. Fear has always been with us as a species. But fear has been jumped upon by religion over the past few millennia and thus changed into something bastardly. Human curiousness of old was soured some 1,500 years BC when the first monotheistic religion - Judaism - was formed. This religion makes ultimate and supposedly knowable claims about the universe, its origins, and its creator. And so the curiousness of the early animists gradually metamorphosed into pagan religions, and then monotheistic religions. To me, fear is the origin of religion; religion, the product of fear - as Christopher Hitchens and others have echoed: "Fear of the dark; fear of death; fear of the unknown."

Whilst religion has done some great things - notably the arts -, it has had some dire effects. From female and male circumcision, to religious persecution and the retarding of science and contemporary morality, religion is a constant reminder of the still-present, part-regressive nature of the human mind. Admittedly, Christianity has done some good things. These things only make sense within the confines of Christian cultures, though. To a Muslim, Christian ethics and beliefs are second to Islam, and visa versa.

People call God by different things, but no one should forget the true meaning of God: an invisible, omnipresent, omnipotent, omniscient, benevolent (or malevolent - if you're an atheist like me), bearded man who lives in paradise in the clouds and can read your mind telepathically. Some people say love is God, or music, or parenthood. Such thinking is distortionate and misleading - if not dangerous and delusional.

Religious morals are antiquated, bronze-age throwbacks telling of a time when stonings were common, it was okay to bear slaves, and children could be beaten or killed for expressing dissent of - or infidelity to - an observed deity. (Also, daughters could be sold on to male individuals for trade - provided they married said individuals and stayed faithful, of course. That's prostitution, folks - and all this from a loving God.)

I believe that the terror of religion greatly outweighs its goodness, and, whilst all occidental cultures have their roots in Christianity, religious thinking makes certain things exceptionable - from war, to persecution, to the retardation of morality and scientific progress. Religion is the root of all evil; its stock should be destroyed, and from a single sapling a new organism should grow: a world in which personal belief is not banished, but in which it cannot interfere with government or debate. Belief should colour an individual's life - if an individual so wishes to be blinded by such and such a set of beliefs - but it should not colour the destinies of all humans; religion should be secularised from the state.

However, as long as there is religion, all human destinty will be blandished. As long as there are people claiming to know and interpret 'knowable' features of religious metaphysics, there will be retardation of progress. As long as certain individuals claim to know ultimate truths, the truth will never be uncovered. It's lurking somewhere within our minds, behind walls we choose to keep erect through fear and denial. The truth is inside us all....