Five jokes.

My girlfriend's into anal sex... she's very frigid and very rarely does anything other than missionary.

My dog's a detective. The other day, a local pet shop was broken into and some dog merchandise was stolen. Upon investigating the scene, my dog was asked by the shopkeeper: 'So, are you any the wiser yet?' To which my dog replied: 'No: we've no leads yet; we've yet to collar anyone.'

Why did the nigger cross the road? To get away from you, you fucking bigot. You disgust me.

My father often tells me I'm a terrible bastard. Apparently, my elder brother - who was also conceived outside of wedlock - is a much better one.

There's an indoor swimming pool in my town one can go to that re-creates the conditions of night swimming during the day-time.