It's been a long time....

It's now October, and autumn is upon us. Halloween is due shortly, and the Brighton Comedy Festival is soon to be under way. To usher in this new month, I've decided to write a post which encompasses several things. I'll begin....

First, I have a few words to say on the popular and persistent confusing of the words fewer and less. Less applies to uncountable nouns; fewer to countable nouns. You're probably feeling slightly nonplussed right now, so I'll clarify the point. If a noun can be counted, use fewer: I have fewer inhibitions than him; five items or fewer. For uncountable nouns, use less: I have less hope now; I take a bit less sugar in my tea, thanks.

Second, I have a few words to say on gerunds and participles. They're both altered forms of verbs. Gerunds are verbs that have been inflected and function as nouns, whereas participles are verbs that have been inflected and function as adjectives. For example:

Gerunds: skiing, baking, sewing, knitting, running, jogging - the suffix -ing has been added to change these verbs into nouns.

Participles come in two forms: present and past and usually come at the end of clauses or sentences. For instance:

• Past: Jim was sleeping; he was robbed a few days ago; Jim has just arrived;
  
• Present: Jim will be arriving any minute; he's a dying man; I'm leaving now.
  

As a rule, past participles end in the suffix -ed and present participles end in the suffix -ing. Sometimes, a participle can cause ambiguity if left in the wrong place and becomes what's known as a dangling participle. For instance, in the sentence whilst walking back home, a car knocked me over it seems as though the car is walking back home - which is impossible, of course. In cases such as this, the sentence should be re-written - the former sentence should read: a car knocked me over as I walked back home or whilst I walked back home, a car knocked me over.

Third, I have a few words to say on the word thanks (or the phrase thank you). Thank you should be used for occassions in which gratitude is to be expressed sincerely. If a mailman hands you your post, you might thank him. But why? He's just doing his job; he hasn't gone out of his way to help you - if he were to give you twenty pounds and some German pornography you might thank him. And if you ever receive marketing calls, the person on the other end will blather on indefinitely about inane products and interject several times with the odd thanks or thank you for waiting (or - God forbid - good-good). Such usage is spineless and insincere, and it sickens me. In the same vein, the word sorry is used excessively these days. I no longer find myself saying excuse me any more, but rather sorry - as if I'm a perpetual inconvenience (alongside every other person on this planet).

Fourth, I'd like to address another lexical confusion: the difference between artist and artiste. An artist is one who expresses something in a way that transcends normal experience (through language or physical expression or painting); an artiste is a cheap entertainer.

Finally, I want to touch on the subject of death - specifically death in the military and police. When one conscripts into the army or police force one understands the dangers one might face, and yet every time a person in, for instance, Afghanistan dies we're told it's a tragedy. It isn't. Civilian deaths are tragedies - as they're unprecedented and can't be accounted for. It might be tragic if a serviceman were shot in a post office by a disenfranchised postal worker, though. If you're in the army, carrying a gun around in some other schmuck's country, you'd better expect some shit. And if you die, don't expect any tears from me; if you don't want to get shot or blown up by an IED, stay the fuck out of Afghanistan.