Saturday, 11 September 2010

On the proposed Qur'an book burning by Pastor Terry Jones.


Well, first let me begin by stating the obvious: emotions have run way too high with this story (it's also quite sad that people are commemorating the 9th (yes: the 9th) anniversary of 9/11). It was to be expected that most Muslims - even moderate ones - would find this proposed act at least distasteful, if not downright despicable and unpardonable. That Americans, and people in American life, generally, have played to the emotions of the public on this story is more disgusting than the act proposed by Terry Jones itself.

America is one of the few countries on this planet with a written constitution that guarantees its citizens inalienable rights to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. Whilst most of these rights were trampled upon or wholly discarded during the Bush years, Americans still have the two most important rights that no Islamic state tolerates or affords: freedom of expression, and freedom of speech.

If this guy wants to burn the Qur'an, I personally don't have a problem with it. I understand that it will have repercussions with devout and small-minded Muslims all over the world, but to vouch to hope to prevent the act from taking place entirely is despicable. If people want to burn flags and other such articles (usually what they believe to be either symbols of idolatry or items of blasphemy), then let them. What no one seems to be saying is that it's unacceptable for Muslims worldwide, generally, to take this course of action. If this isn't a sign that Muslims can't solubly be integrated into western society, then I don't know what is. Whilst that comment might sound fascist, Islam is a clear and present danger to everything western socities hold dear. If you don't believe me, then recall in 1989 when Salman Rushdie was threatened with death by the Ayatollah Khomeini of Iran for writing a book on a contentious part of the Qur'an known as 'the Satanic Verses' in which Mohammed condones polytheism (Muslims generally believe he was being posessed by the Devil in this part of the Qur'an). Tell the same to the Dutch film-maker Theo Van Gogh and his associates: he was murderded in 2oo4 for making a short film about Islam and the abuse of women practised by its adherents; his Norwegian counterpart was shot and left for dead, and his Japanese associate was killed in a scene of bloody religious retribution.

Whilst Pastor Jones might be right about the danger of Islamification, let us not forget the disgusting tree from which Islam sprouted: both Islam and Christianity (not to forget Mormonism) are Abrahamic religions, sourced from the Torah, with all its bloody pages and disgraceful content (both are almost exclusively plagiarised from it - a claim I can back up with verse after verse). So burn your books; burn your flags; put up your effigies: just don't stop me from putting into action the freedoms that my country, with all its flaws and curruptions, guarantees me.

Wednesday, 4 August 2010

New jokes.

A friend of mine works part-time cleaning sewers - he works every Monday and Tuesday. I recently asked him how the job was going. 'You know,' he said, 'different shit, same day'.

I've not got brain damage; I had an extreme form of Christianity inculcated in me as a young boy.


What did the humorous chicken say? You know you love my yolks!


What did the Swedish chicken say? Another yolk? You must be yolking!


I've a friend who's obsessed with collecting fake breasts. His flatmate is very messy. I find, to get back at her, he gives tit for tat.

Recently, I bought a suit. Quite coincidentally, I knew my two friends' suit sizes. 'Shall I buy you each a suit?' I asked them. 'No thanks,' they each replied. 'Suit yourselves, then,' I said.

Monday, 21 June 2010

New jokes.


I know a psychiatrist whose handwriting is so bad he gets his mental patients to do it for him.

I once knew a successful golfer who grew sick of constantly golfing at two under par. He said that his golfing history was hanging over him like an albatross.

One time, a colleague asked me to make her a cup of tea. ‘Sugar lump?’ I asked her. Not long after that I was disciplined for sexual harassment.

Watching paint dry is like watching golf warm up.

What do you call a band with no ambition? Number 1 in the charts.

I know an ex-bouncer who’s as hard as rusted nails.

I employ a woman to fold leaflets. A new apprentice asked me what to do with a stack of the finished leaflets. ‘Put it in the folder,’ I told him. Shortly after that, I had to sack him.

I know a joke writer who wrote a joke so long that he had to print it on five hundred feet of paper. In trying to read it, he was crushed to death. The last laugh was on him.

A friend of mine who works as a Polish impersonator recently lost his job… to a Polish man.

I went into a bakery today. I said to the baker: 'you're a doughnut-maker, aren't you?' She replied: 'no: I'm a baker'. I said: 'no: you're a doughnut-maker!' 'No!' she replied. 'I'm a baker. Okay?' 'Well,' I said, 'you can sugar-coat it any way you want to!'

Wednesday, 9 June 2010

A handful of humour.

I know a band called 'Elastic' - all the members wobble and stretch whilst playing.

Amex - yuppy business solutions since 1850.

I know a rain dancer who complains that the weather forecasts are never accurate.

I know a man with a quiet wit: he can make us laugh without opening his mouth.

I input data - people say I've great output.

Jesus was happy once he was taken down - he was no longer so cross. (This is a pathetic joke with a poor punchline - please punch me in the face if you see me.)

I went up to a girl and asked her if she found me in any way attractive. 'Yes: when you leave the room,' she said.

I went up to a tattooed girl today and told her I liked her tats.... She slapped me. 

Tuesday, 1 June 2010

On collective nouns.

Collective nouns: flock, flight, murder; a rape of shrews; a genocide of baboons; a harem of chimpanzee genitalia.

My question: do we need them? They tell us nothing of number. Surely 'seagulls' or 'five seagulls' is better than 'a flight of seagulls'?
They're puffed-up and pointless, and serve to make stupid people look intelligent and/or knowledgeable - depending on how many of these inanities they can spout.

I think they should be got rid of - they're a waste of effort, ink, paper, thought, and time; and they're probably stopping us from dreaming up more useful words - words like 'Sundayflim' (the bad feeling you get on a Sunday morning), or 'Wafflesport' (the art of talking bullshit competitively).

What do you think, dear reader?

New e-mail addresses.

I've a new e-mail address: CAPITALLETTERS@yahoo.co.uk. If you can't reach me on that, try: SARCASTICBASTARD@fuckyoumail.co.uk.

Thanks.

Uh-oh! Here come more jokes! (Squeeze!)

Do you ever think it's a conspiracy that there are so many conspiracies...?

I'm thinking of making a film of Good Morning, Vietnam ilk called 'Good Morning, Auschwitz'.

I've forgotten whether I've got amnesia....

I've a yogi who's very hairy. His name is 'Yogi Bear'.

Everything's calmer after karma.

My sister plays with a dodo. It's funny, you know: I thought they went extinct years ago.

Apparently, someone in America is moving House - from NBC to HBO.

My seventy-three year old friend recently got into comedy. He was awarded the 'best oldcomer of the year' award.

The chlamydia department at my hospital is hard to find.

What do you call the top of Coldean? Warmdean.

What do you call a man carrying a plank of wood on his head whilst walking towards the sea? Seawards.

What do you call the same man walking into the sea? Drift wood.

I was once awarded a certificate of attendance but I couldn't be there to claim it.

Osaka's gay netball team is called 'Osaka'.

I offered to buy a shit used car for £10,000. The salesman asked me whether I was short-sighted. 'Yes,' I said. 'They're a prescription.'

There's a Catholic and a protestant school in my town at which the Catholics are protestant-leaning, and the protestants are Catholic-leaning (but both still want to kill the Jews).

There's a chlamydia unit at my hospital which recently lost a ton of paperwork - it's lost because it's undetectable.

I've an artist friend who's overdrawn.

Whenever I walk to work, I read the Metro. Whenever I get the train, I read Walking magazine.

My dad's into hairdye - he likes 'A Touch of Grey'. I find the product a bit ambiguous, though: there's a lot of grey area (especially around the ears).

Sunday, 30 May 2010

More bloody jokes....

Several nuns walk into a bar. 'You've got to be joking,' the barman says. 'This joke's really pissed.'

Why are nuns unhappy? Because they're all married to Christ, and he's really fucking dull - there's only so much 'meek' shit a person can put up with.

Why was Winston Churchill angry when he couldn't get an erection? Because viagra was something up with which he couldn't put.

A barman walks into a bar. 'Right,' he says. 'Send in the Three Stooges.'

A barman walks into a bar. He then opens the bar: open for business (and for shit jokes).

A barman walks into a bar. 'Oh, shit,' he says. 'We've all heard this one before.'

Several lesbians walk into a bar. (I can't finish this one due to political correctness.)

I once tried to survey terminally ill patients. Most of them told me not to put them in boxes. I said: 'don't worry: that's the undertaker's job'.

Every month, I buy a new bicycle.... I've really got into a bit of a cycle.

What do tennis players use to serve up their dinner? Serving spoons.

Why was the tennis player thrown out of the restaurant? He was making a racket.

Why was the tennis player arrested? He was operating a racket.

I've had masturbation traning - it comes in handy.

Why did the man covered in Vaseline get away? He was a slippery character.

People who play Halo Reach are hard to reach.

I've got a friend who hates limescale: he thinks it's scum.

What do cows think of milk? They think it's udderly brilliant.

Hitler walks into a bar. In anger, he tries to shoot the bar - after all, he isn't Charlie Chaplin.

How many Jews does it take to solve a problem? About 6 million - if you gas them all.

Why did the horse cross the road? 'Cause it thought it was a zebra.

A priest walks into a bar: 'I'll have a red wine and a brandy, please. Don't worry: the child's with me.'

I once met two team-players who couldn't perform 'cause they didn't have teams.

I went to Guay recently. I wanted to go to Paraguay but my holiday company offered me the real thing.

How do you solve a problem like Maria? Shoot her in the face.

What do you call ten men trying to get erections? Stiff competition.

Saturday, 29 May 2010

New Jokes.

Why did the auditor cross the road? To improve road-crossing efficiency.

Why did the auditor cross the road? To make sure the chicken was crossing correctly.

Why did the banana cross the road? It was really long.

Why did Lady Gaga die from an epileptic fit at home? Because she couldn't reach her telephone.

I was once branded a racist for asking about knickers in a lingerie store.

What was wrong with the police survey? It came up with mostly cons.

What was wrong with the data on fjords? It contained massive gaps.

Why did the Spaniard fall asleep in the Ford? It was a Ford Siesta.

I once did a silent gig for advanced music students.

What did the pained pirate say? 'Ooooohh! Aaarghhhhhh!'

I know a man whose right leg is shorter than his left. I asked him how he was the other day. He told me he was all right.

What's pink, black, and blue? A gay bloke who's just been beaten up.

Sunday, 9 May 2010

Lincoln the racist.

“I will say then that I am not, nor ever have been in favor of bringing about in anyway the social and political equality of the white and black races – that I am not nor ever have been in favor of making voters or jurors of negroes, nor of qualifying them to hold office, nor to intermarry with white people; and I will say in addition to this that there is a physical difference between the white and black races which I believe will forever forbid the two races living together on terms of social and political equality. And inasmuch as they cannot so live, while they do remain together there must be the position of superior and inferior, and I as much as any other man am in favor of having the superior position assigned to the white race. I say upon this occasion I do not perceive that because the white man is to have the superior position the negro should be denied everything.” - Abraham Lincoln.

Monday, 19 April 2010

Take it to another level, baby.

My love for you goes beyond
the male form:
you liberate me.
The expression of our love: physical.
I felt this way before now;
I still do.

Talk of sex preference
serves to cheapen our love:
it's not what genitalia the
other possesses;
it's love -
pure and simple.

Fumbled embraces,
sensual words with butterfly wings.
You elevate me.
With great levity,
you open me to new horizons.

With fiery tongues, fiery eyes,
we bridge the gap between us.
No carnal pleasures do we indulge in.

I use my hands to use my heart;
use my lips to plumb the depths 
of the endless ocean within you.

It's not a case of gay or straight.
Love is not bound by preference
or prejudice.

With every second, quell the hurt,
boost the transcendence.
We dive into each other,
and get lost somewhere inside.

Friday, 2 April 2010

A Review of Jackie Kay's Trumpet.



Jackie Kay’s ‘Trumpet’ tells the story of Glaswegian jazz musician, Joss Moody: a talented trumpeter who led a curious double life.
            The story begins with his death (circa 1997), and recollections made by his wife, Millicent. Immediately, the reader is presented with a worrisome Millie fretting over her being ceaselessly hounded by the local press of Torr. The reader isn’t immediately told why she is being hounded, although the likelihood is that it regards the fact that Joss was a brilliant musician.
            As the story progresses, Millie recounts how she first came upon Joss in the early 50s: she was intrigued by his style, his way, his looks, and his manner. After several brief encounters – one of which occurs in a blood donors’ hall - Millie picks up the courage to ask him out. They court for three months, often going to jazz clubs in Glasgow, and Joss always does no more than peck Millie on the cheek before walking home alone.
            One date, however, holds something different in store; Millie invites Joss up, and Joss accepts. They kiss, but Joss becomes reticent. In a delicate moment, Joss reveals something very private: he takes off his shirt and two t-shirts and reveals a layer of bandages wrapped around his chest. After delicately removing them, the first of two small, firm breasts is revealed to Millie: Joss is a woman, after all.
            Millie, however, is deeply in love with Joss: she loves his music, his looks, his way; they marry in a fit of passion, and keep Joss’s secret secret from everyone they encounter thereafter. Soon into the marriage, though, relationship pains start to show: Millie wants a baby. Joss is deeply conflicted about not being able to give Millie a child, and in one fit of rage hits her. They compromise, however, and adopt a young boy, renaming him ‘Colman’.
            Following Millie’s recollections, Colman goes to the mortuary to see Joss’s dead body. The coroner is confused by the Report of Death: where ‘male’ was written, there is now ‘female’. After unwrapping the bandages, his confusion is lifted: Joss is female. When Colman arrives, he’s confronted by the coroner – who stumbles over his words, before saying, finally, that his father is, in fact, a woman. Colman thinks he’s playing a cruel joke and grabs him by his collar, shaking him. After Colman calms down, he’s shown the body. In disbelief, he feels shocked, betrayed; he storms out of the morgue and leaves immediately for his London home.
            In the next chapter, Colman goes over his past. The language he uses is quite coarse, with some Scottish colloquialisms. He seems short, and often doesn’t carry thoughts on for very long. His dialogue is full of warm reminisces which are cut short by the venom he now feels for his father; he feels alienated and alien, and he feels his father is equally shapeless and unknowable. In his confusion and hate, he consults a journalist named Sophie Stones. He wants to write a book about the life of his father, and he’s been promised an £8,000 advance.
            After the headlines disappear, Millie feels slightly more secure, but, by now, she’s heard about dozens of book proposals and is utterly torn up by them. She wonders who could be in on them – which of her ‘friends’ have betrayed her. She rules out certain people, like ex-band members. She knows Colman is in on one, though, and she feels deeply hurt by it.
            At certain points in the book, Millie goes over Colman’s youth. The family was happy, but Colman seemed much closer to Joss. Millie would often lose control with young Colman after one of his many long sulks and hit him. Joss would be the intermediary and help soothe Millie, telling her that it wasn’t Colman’s fault. Millie couldn’t understand why her attitude towards Colman could oscillate so often between strong feelings of love and hate.
            As the story progresses, we hear testimonies – some unrelated to the book proposal – from some of Joss’s friends and associates. One very touching testimony comes from ‘Big Red’ – a drummer in the ‘Joss Moody Trio’. He tells how some fans would often question Joss’s general character – unsure of his slightly high-pitched voice and laugh, and his effeminate, ‘pudding’ face. Many times, Big Red would hit anyone who questioned Joss’s character (but he’d always apologise by dusting them off and buying them a glass of scotch).
When Big Red is contacted by Sophie Stones, he divulges some information but he goes cold when he becomes privy to the purpose of the call – he could never betray Joss. ‘It’s all about the music,’ he says. The past is the past; he couldn’t care less if Joss turned out to be a woman – it doesn’t change a thing. His language is much more coarse than Colman’s, with many colloquialisms, but it’s somehow quite endearing and full of character – whereas Colman’s seems devoid of feeling.
One scene following this beautifully contrasts with Millie’s feelings of being betrayed: Sophie contacts an ex-cleaner of the Moody family named Maggie. Maggie invites Sophie in, and decides that she’ll help after contemplating the fact that Colman is involved in the book proposal. She tells Sophie a few things, often coming across in a harsh way – one time she says that their house was often filthy, without knowing why. Towards the end of their conversation Maggie says that she once found a letter of Joss’s signed ‘Josephine’ (Joss’s actual name is ‘Josephine Moore’) but was never suspicious. Sophie leaves, leaving £500 on Maggie’s coffee table. She doesn’t wave to Maggie as she leaves (a trait that she repeats throughout the book). Maggie tries hiding the money in different places; the guilt soon starts to show.
Colman gets in contact with Joss’s mother, Edith Moore (97). He’s never met her, and she has no idea that Joss is dead – or that she became a he (albeit an artificial ‘he’). He can’t pluck up the courage to tell her the truth so he says that he’s a ‘friend’ of Joss. Edith treats Colman to lunch and supper, and presents him with a suitcase full of letters that Joss had sent her throughout his life. Colman soon begins to have doubts about the book.
Meanwhile, Sophie is interviewing a school friend of Joss named May Hart. At the end of their conversation, Sophie tells May that Josephine took up the identity of a man later in life. May can’t believe it, but Sophie hands her a picture of Joss redolent in a blue suit, playing his trumpet. She eyes it for what seems an eternity and begins to cry because of the beauty of it. Sophie, however, puts it down to ‘betrayal’ – which will fit in nicely with her perversion-oriented book; after all her words about the book potentially ‘helping people’ we can see clearly that it’s intended to appeal to the 90s subculture of sleaze.
Colman leaves Sophie asleep at a Glasgow hotel, leaving her a note, and visits Millie – alone. As Millie goes to meet him at the harbour bus station, a bird flies close to her head, ‘scatting in the wind’. What’s the message of the book? It seems to be that love – romantic or platonic – can overcome the harshest of realisations, no matter how shocking or peculiar they might be. Jackie’s novel is tender and delicate, the characters are powerful, the layout is telling (the chapters are named as if part of a book draft), and the language is fierce and uncompromising.  

Written by Robert Head.

An alternative review (http://www.richmondreview.co.uk/books/trumpet.html):

The protagonist of Jackie Kay's first novel, Trumpet, is dead before the story begins. He is Joss Moody, a black Scottish jazz trumpeter, who has left a wife in deep mourning, and an adopted son, the defiantly ordinary and untalented Colman, in deep shock. For the posthumous medical report has revealed Joss Moody, his tall and handsome father, revered in the jazz world, to be a woman. Joss's widow, Millie, holes up in a Scottish fishing village in a house she and her husband shared, reeling from the press coverage of her marriage and overwhelmed by grief. Colman meanwhile, raging against what he perceives as his father's duplicity and perversion, colludes with tabloid journalist Sophie Stones in a facile and sensationalist rewriting of Moody's history. Trumpet is, in itself, the other side, or sides, of the story it is told in a multitude of voices. There is Millie, whose faintly sepia-toned reminiscences conjure the romance and charisma of Moody; Colman, whose narrative strains with expletives and inarticulate anger; Big Red McCall, his fiercely loyal drummer; the doctor, registrar and funeral director who all literally and figuratively expose Moody; and a host of neighbours and other minor characters, all struggling to balance their memories and perceptions of Moody with the lurid revelations. The skill of the novel is that these disparate voices are given weight and import, and that the reactions of the various characters, although they encompass disgust and prurient curiosity, are never predictable. Even such a minor character as the confused registrar, who in a lesser novel might just be used as a plot-driving mechanism, responds to Millie's feelings as widow with delicacy and deference. 

Millie observes that Joss spoke of his female self in the third person: the female self was his third person, an alternative self. But as Trumpet unravels, it becomes apparent that Moody wasn't alone in exploring and creating alternative selves. Millie is a faithful, conventional and deeply loving wife, who, in colluding with Moody's reconstruction of his sexual identity, led what in some respects was a bizarrely unconventional life. The very milieu that Moody inhabited was mocked by the young Colman as a construct: the jazzmen, with their way-out names and boozy lifestyles, trying to recapture the world of long-dead Dukes and Counts. But Colman himself, the brutal realist, always refers to his father as "he", in his angriest moments never quite angry enough to give up on his "Daddy". Whether Moody has lived a fiction or created an alternative reality in becoming a man is the riddle at the heart of this subtle and humane novel, which Colman must explore to have any hope of resolution.

Review written by Helena Smith.

Buy Trumpet on Amazon: Trumpet: A Novel