Quit whilst you're ahead!

Why would one quit whilst one is ahead? Surely, quitting whilst one is behind is more preferable. Don't quit entirely, though, because quitting's for losers!

Surf's up, dude!

The surf is not up; the waves are up. The surf is down!

Let the good times roll....

The phrase let the good times roll seems to me to exist only because the good times have their ups and downs - their peaks and troughs. Why not let the good times flow...? That sounds like a much better metaphor to me.

A funny and insightful video on the 'N' word.

http://www.milkandcookies.com/link/59858/detail/

The word nigger is not offensive in and of itself - it depends on the context in which it's being used. However, the historial context of the word does rouse some intense emotion from black people. Like Richard Pyror said: "People use the word nigger to describe their own wretchedness."

The word nigger - when placed inside a historical context - means a lazy, no good, untrustworthy black person - and it often encompasses criminal acts, aswell. Nowadays, though, young people throw it around colloquially.

My point is this: shouldn't ignorant, stupid people be allowed to use the word? If it's banned, how will we be able to identify these racist morons and subject them to intense ridicule?

Stopping someone who wants to use the word from using the word will only allow them to savour their ignorance and hatred for other occasions (it could in fact allow them to intensify their feelings for more personal occasions and cause them to commit violent acts against black people).

No word should be banned. People should be educated on the usages of certain words and why certain words shouldn't be uttered; they should not be prevented from being allowed to say them. Let ignorant people be ignorant - that way, we can have more fun laughing at them for the insensitive pricks they are.

A quick musing.

The word zeal (noun) means a fervently held belief. A zealot (noun) is someone who believes in a particular cause vehemently. The adjectival - as well as adverbial - form of the noun zeal is zealous: a zealous person. The adverbial form of the word zeal is zealously, as in: he believes in it zealously. But we also have the adjective/adverb overzealous, which means believing in something in an excessive way. My question is, how can someone be overzealous? To be overzealous must mean to be more than zealous. Surely that's physically impossible? (In another way, overzealous could mean unnecessarily zealous - again showing the warped nature of the 21st century mind.) If you're gonna accept that word, I'm gonna start speaking of people as being megazealous. That's my word now! (God forbid kids should start saying uberzealous!)

Idioms - part 1.

An idiom is typically defined as a phrase relevant to a certain culture which can't be understood to an outsider by its component parts. Sound like a mouthful? Good. For example, the phrases sour grapes, white elephant, elephant in the room and monkey's uncle are all idiomatic phrases. (I.e. only an English person can understand them - they would have to be explained in full to non-English people.)

A few thoughts on race (courtesy of George Carlin).

After reading Brain Droppings, I've gleaned a few brilliant ideas. The first regards race - specifically being black. The politically correct phrase people of colour really means the same thing as coloured (stemming from a time when white people believed black people were coloured - as in dirty, impure and tainted).

But have you really ever met a black person? Aren't they all really just different shades of brown and tan? And what about Indians? Their skin is often as dark and yet they're considered more similar to white people and they're never called black; they're not even called brown. And often, dark-skinned white people have darker skin than light-skinned black people. And white people are really just different shades of pink and beige. So why is colour so important? The answer: it's not. It's meaningless.

Another suspect phrase is African American (or Afro-American). Why are only black people considered African American? What about Egyptians? They live on the African continent and yet they're never called African. If you met an Egyptian living in America, you'd think him middle-eastern; not African American. And what about South African white people? Afrikaans. They're African, and yet - if one moved to America - they wouldn't be called African American. Why? Because they're white. It's casual racism, folks. Just call black people black. It's harmless, it's descriptive and it's not racist.

And, whilst we're on the topic of race, I'd like to say a few words on Native Americans. First off the bat, Native Americans are not natives - people have been moving around since time immemorial; if you truly want to know what nativism is, go to the Great Rift Valley in Ethiopia - that's where humans' early ancestors originally lived. (Isn't it oddly poetic how no humans currently live in the Great Rift Valley?)

Second of all, Native Americans aren't American. Before white people - their masters and oppressors - came along, they probably had a different name for their country (if they were even aware of it being a country - there were obviously just tribal lands before white people came into the picture; there was never an America). Why would Native American be their chosen term? Why would they choose to name themselves after the people who stole their country from them, killed most of their people and put the rest of them on substandard reservation land? In fact, Native Americans find the term Native American insulting.

When Christopher Colombus* first encountered Native Americans he dubbed them una gente in dios (Indian - see?), which means a people in God. Doesn't sound so bad, huh? The word Indian has nothing to do with the fact that Columbus was looking for quicker trade roots to India and instead found a couple of huge immovable continents; nor is Indian derogatory - the word is just oddly convenient and so gets misappropriated. (Also Colombus only made it to South America after his fourth try - he originally landed on a little island which was later to be called Cuba.)

So, whilst most people think the term American Indian is politically incorrect, it is in fact the better term to Native American. But you know what an even better term is? No: not red-skin, you racist bastard. Call them by their tribal names - the names which used to represent them but which have now vanished into obscurity. Cherokee, Sioux, Apache, Blackfoot, Navaho, Blackfeet, Huron, Erie, Tomahawk.... You got it.

*The word Columbus is actually an anglicisation - the real spelling of the eponymous Italian's name is Colombus. The country is Colombia; not Columbia.

An introduction to grammar.

Every language has its own grammar. A grammar is defined as how words come together to form meaning. The way in which words are arranged to form meaning is called syntax. Grammars deal with tense (how inflections can change the temporal meaning of words) and different types of words.

In the English language, there are typically defined as being eight different types of words: nouns, adjectives, verbs, pronouns, adverbs, prepositions, conjunctions and determiners. That sounds slightly mind-bending, but there's an elegant simplicity to understanding grammar that I hope to show you.

When young people think of grammar, they think of long, tedious hours spent looking at blackboards, hearing middle-aged, balding men drone on about tense and syntax. That is an entirely false impression - not only is grammar fun to learn and rewarding to know about, but it's essential. Words are the building blocks of thoughts: knowing what words are and mean will greatly improve your ability to communicate with other people simply and effectively. An uneducated man and an educated man might both be able to read the same sentence aloud, but I'm sure the former will appreciate it only on a superficial level.

Unfortunately, grammar wasn't taught properly for around 25 years between the 70s and late 90s because yuppie, baby-boomer politicians and thinkers thought the dogmatic, purist method of teaching English restricted rather than aided communication. Rather than teaching children grammar, teachers were encouraged to let them freely converse during classes and work on acquiring knowledge of language through speaking rather than reading and writing. As a result of that, a whole generation of people have been brought up with appalling levels of literacy.

Aside from that, other crimes against the English language have been perpetrated in the intervening years from groups - such as businessmen and politicians - and movements - such as the politically correct movement (which has only recently begun to come to its knees).

Language should enable thought; not restrict it. Politically correct language makes people think in a tunnelled fashion and greatly diminishes individual thought. Whilst the genesis of the movement had its roots in moral decency, it grew to encompass something that made people frown on using perfectly good language - instead making them use euphemisms and more soft, watered-down phrases. I'll give examples of such watering down in my next article. In this article, however, I'm going to give you an introduction into the basics of grammar. I hope you enjoy it and find it useful.

Nouns.

Nouns are naming words - words we give to concrete things which can tangibly be felt. However, nouns aren't just things like cats, dogs, cars, trees and people - they can encompass ideas as well. There are four types of noun:

• Concrete: these describe concrete things which you can see and feel and hear, such as cats, dogs or, even, clouds;
• Abstract: these encompass conceptual, human things such as love, happiness and anger;
• Proper: these nouns are given to people, organisations and places and always begin with capital letters - think of Paris, Lucy or Microsoft;
• Collective nouns: these apply to groups of people, animals or things, such as flocks, teams or families. (Take the word goose for example: the singular is goose, the plural is geese, but the collective is flight of geese.)
  

Nouns can be either singular or plural - singular means consisting of one thing; plural means consisting of more than one thing - such as animal/animals, pint/pints, child/children, etc.. Nouns can also be possessive - this is technically known as the genitive case. That just means that sometimes nouns can possess other nouns.

For example, in the phrase John's bicycle John - the subject - has possession over the bicycle - the object. We show possession by using an apostrophe. With singular nouns, the noun should always be qualified with an apostrophe and an s ('s) - such as Sarah's hat or the cat's dinner. With plural nouns, the same rule should be applied (unless the word already ends with an s). For example:

• Children's - the word children is a plural noun and, because it ends with an n, an apostrophe and an s ('s) qualify it;
• Kids' - with the word kids', however, no s qualifies it - because to do so would make the word unpronounceable (kids's doesn't make any sense and is extremely awkward to say).

However, with certain words ending in s certain traditions are held. For example, even though the word Jesus's (such as Jesus's Sermon on the Mount) can be pronounced quite well, the tradition is to drop the final s and instead write Jesus'. This tradition applies to other biblical figures, such as Moses, as well.

Adjectives.

Adjectives are words that describe nouns. Usually, they come before the nouns which they describe, but they can come afterwards. For example:

• A beautiful day;
• A nervous feeling;
• A kind person;
• A strange disposition.

Adjectives can also be used to show comparison. These types of adjectives come in two forms: comparatives and superlatives. Comparative adjectives typically end in -er, whilst superlatives end in -est. Comparatives highlight if something has a larger degree of a certain quality when compared with something similar, whilst superlatives highlight if something has the maximum degree of a certain quality (such as height, colour or width, for example). The following examples illustrate my point:

• Bigger, whiter, smaller, taller, fatter, wider, thinner and higher are comparatives;
• Biggest, whitest, smallest, tallest, fattest, widest, thinnest and highest are superlatives.

Rather than modifying words with -er and -est inflections, one can simply use the words more and most. For example, rather than saying taller and tallest, one can say more tall and most tall. In some examples, the words more and most must be used - such as with the word intelligent; one can't say intelligenter and intelligentest (unless you're a child), but, rather, more intelligent and most intelligent. If you ever hear someone use the word intelligentest, you'll know straight away that they're not intelligent.

Factoid: in America, the word superlative is pronounced superl-ative, whereas in the UK it's pronounced super-lative.

Verbs.

Verbs are defined as doing words - because they express actions. However, they can also express physical and mental states. For example:

• The boy jumps (simple action);
• The girl eats (simple action);
• The house stands on the hill (simple state);
• I think that will be all right (simple mental state/action).

Verbs will tell you what a subject (a thing which performs an action) is doing or being. Remember: subjects perform actions; objects have actions done to them.

All verbs begin with a base (or infinitive) form from which all other forms of the verb are derived. (To be - and all its variants - is an example of the base form of a verb - think of to run, to eat or to play, for examples.)

There are two types of verb: main and auxiliary. A main verb expresses the main meaning of a sentence. Auxiliary verbs are verbs that come before main verbs and aid them. For example, in the sentence I must have been thinking, the main verb is thinking - which is aided by three auxiliary verbs: must, have and been.

Auxiliary verbs are of two types: primary and modal. There are only three types of primary verb: be, have and do - and their variants, such as:

• Be: been, being;
• Do: did, doing, done;
• Have: had, having.

Look at the following sentences for examples of primary verbs in action:

1. He/she is running.
2. Have you spent all your money? Did you go to the doctor's surgery today?
   
3. I do want to see you. I have got what you asked for.
4. I did not go to school this morning.

The first example expresses a simple statement. In (2), the examples show how primary verbs can be used to form questions. In (3), the examples show how intent and emphasis can be shown. In (4), the example shows how negative statements can be expressed.

The three examples are also the only auxiliary verbs which can also be used as main verbs. For example:

1. She is unhappy/he is tall;
2. I have a new car/they have venereal diseases;
3. He did it/I did nothing.

Modal auxiliaries are only ever used in conjunction with main verbs. There are nine in total: must, should, would, could, can, will, shall, might, and may. Modal verbs can significantly alter the tone of questions, making them sound more polite or more fiery: Must I carry this, mother? They can also show emphasis or anger in statements: I shall not go! Modal verbs can also change commands into questions: see pass the salt and would you pass the salt?

Tense (verbs continued)

Whilst there are dozens of tenses, it's most simple to think of there being only three: past, present and future. The past and present tenses can be shown by adding simple inflections; whilst the future tense is usually shown by the adding of modal auxiliary verbs such as will or shall. For example, take variants of the word do:

• I do like you;
  
• I did like you;
• I will still like you.

A simpler example is to take a single word. For the sake of example, I'll choose start:

• Present: I start/I have started;
• Past: I started/I did start;
• Future: I will start/ I will be starting/I will have started.

The inflection -ed alters the tense of most present tense verbs to the past tense.

Voice (verbs continued)

There are two voices: active and passive. In the active voice, things do things; in the passive voice, things have things done to them. For example:

• Active: John has apologised/a train has run over a young person;
• Passive: an apology has been given by John/ a young person has been killed by a train.

The active voice sounds immediate and makes things sound more exciting. The passive voice sounds tame and makes things sound dull. Where most news-writers prefer to write in the active voice, politicians prefer to speak in the passive voice: rather than saying: we will issue a policy soon, a politician is more likely to say: by that time, we will have issued a policy. By using the passive voice, a person can avoid responsibility for having done - or doing - certain things. Sometimes, news-writers play it safe by using the passive voice because, in that way, assertions are less likely to be made.

Transitive and intransitive verbs

The word transitive means to transmit an action. A transitive verb transmits an action to a object; an intransitive verb doesn't. Some verbs don't require objects; some verbs can make sense both with and without objects - it all depends if the subject is doing something to something else. For example, a man can kick a dog but can also kick out:

• The man kicked the dog (subject, verb, object);
• The man kicked (subject, verb).

Sometimes, an object isn't needed - such as with the word sleep (one goes to sleep but doesn't sleep something). One verb which is popularly abused by waiters is enjoy. They say enjoy, and I think enjoy what? Enjoy the view? Enjoy my wife's trim legs? Enjoy the pathetic level of intelligence of the waiter? The waiter should say: enjoy your meal or enjoy your drinks, because one can't enjoy nothing; one has to enjoy something.

The subjunctive (verbs continued)

By 'the subjunctive', I mean the word were. Were is used to indicate both the impossible and the possible:

Impossible: If I were you...; if I were a chicken;
Possible: If I were to take up the job; if I were to have my penis enlarged by several inches....

Never confuse the words were and was when writing unless you want to be the subject of admonition (and possible intense sneering).

Adverbs

In the same way that adjectives describe nouns, adverbs describe verbs - they state how things are done. Most adverbs end in -ly, but not always. For example:

• She ran quickly;
• He feels much better;
• They left immediately. (Alternatively, one could say: they left in a hurry.)

Before I go on to pronouns, I'd like to give a quick word on sentence construction (which I'll elaborate on in my next article). Sentences are made out of clauses, and clauses are made out of phrases. Most sentences have the following construction: subject, verb, object. For example:

The boy (subject) kicked (verb) the dog (object). Subjects do actions; objects receive them. Remember? Good. Sometimes, the object can come before the subject - as in the passive voice: the dog was kicked by the boy. However, some simple sentences have the following form: subject, verb (such as she fell).

Aside from objects, sentences can also finish with complements and adverbial phrases. A complement gives more information about the subject or the object of a sentence. An adverbial provides extra information with regard to time, place or manner. For example:

Complement: the art is great, we were hungry, they like football;
Adverbial: I spoke to him last week, she smiled broadly (adverbial phrases often end in -ly).

Pronouns

Pronouns are words that take the place of nouns. For example, in the sentence Paula gave the book to George, the words Paula, book and George could be replaced with she, it and him. There are several types of pronoun: personal, possessive, reflexive, demonstrative, indefinite, relative and interrogative.

Before I continue, I should quickly state that pronouns come in three persons: the first (I, me, my, mine, we, us, and ours), second (you, yours) and third (he, she, it, him, her, they, them, his, hers, its and theirs).

Like regular nouns, pronouns come in two forms: singular and plural. Look at the following:

1st person (singular) I, me, my, mine;
1st person (plural): we, us, our, ours;
2nd person (singular): you, yours;
2nd person (plural): you, yours;
3rd person (singular): he, she, it, him, her, his, hers, theirs, its;
3rd person (plural): they, them, theirs.

Personal pronouns replace objects and subjects (usually people's names - proper nouns) in sentences. I, you, he, she and it are examples of the subject; me, him, her and it are examples of the object. For example:

• I drove him home;
• He thanked me for the lift.

Possessive pronouns show possession and replace proper nouns. Rather than saying Sarah's bag or the children's ball, you could say: her bag (or this is hers) or their ball.

Reflexive pronouns relate to the subject of a sentence and end in -self or -selves: he cut himself; they congratulated themselves on the win.

Demonstrative pronouns point at something or someone: this, these, those, that. For example:

• Do you want these?
• Read the letter. That will tell you what you want to know.

Indefinite pronouns are pronouns which do not refer to specific people or things. Examples of these are: someone, no one, anyone, something, nothing, anything, and everything.

Relative pronouns act as linking words in a sentence. The relative pronouns are: and who, whom and whose (when referring to people) and which and that (when referring to things). They refer to nouns and are always placed immediately after the noun(s) to which they refer:

• A city that has many tourist attractions; the city that never sleeps.

Who, whom and whose can also be used in a different way in interrogative pronouns - when forming questions. The following examples illustrate my point:

• Who did that?
• To whom does this belong?
• Whose is this?

A quick note on relative pronouns:

People often confuse the relative pronouns who and that when referring to people. For example, look at the following sentence:

• Did you see the man that was in the bar?

That is ungrammatical, but you probably often hear that sort of thing coming from young, moronic males. We use who when referring to people for the same reason we don't use who when referring to animals - because they're animals! You don't hear people asking questions like: Did you see the horse who kicked Maria's head off?

Conjunctions

Conjunctions join clauses together and come in two types: co-ordinating and subordinating conjunctions. The co-ordinating conjunctions are: and, but and or. They are used when clauses are of equal value and can stand on their own as complete thoughts:

• I went out today and had an ice-cream. (I went out today and had an ice-cream are both complete thoughts and could potentially both make complete sentences.)

The subordinating conjunctions are: whilst, because, when, as, after, although, unless, until and however - to name only a few. A subordinate clause lacks a verb and so is reliant on the main verb of a sentence:

• I think that, whilst Jim is fun, I prefer Sam and David. (In this sentence, whilst Jim is fun is a subordinate clause and doesn't make sense on its own - if you remove that phrase, the sentence will read: I think that I prefer Sam and David.)

Prepositions

Prepositions show how one thing relates to another (the subject to the object). Prepositions are words such as: at, behind, up, below, inside, in, into, on, opposite, above, under, along, before, during, and after - to name but a few. For example:

• I chased the squirrel up the tree.
• I spoke to the man behind the desk.
• My sister came down the stairs.

All of the above examples take the form: subject, verb, preposition, object.

Determiners

Determiners precede nouns and usually refer to them. Common ones are the indefinite and definite articles (a/an and the), possessive determiners (my, our, your, his, her, its, their), and demonstrative determiners (this, that, these, those). Other determiners refer to quantity: one, two, three....

Note the difference between possessive determiners and possessive pronouns: whilst possessive determiners show possession (that's my pen), possessive pronouns replace nouns (that's mine).

The indefinite article refers to unspecific things:

• an apple (the word an is used if it precedes a noun begins with a vowel);
• a present (the word a is used if it precedes a noun begins with a consonant).

The definite article refers to specific things:

• The pen is on the table;
• The man gave it to me...;
  
• Do you have the time?
  

Note: Some words - such as hour - start with consonants that aren't aspirated and so start with the indefinite article (an hour), whereas other words have hard sounds and begin
with a: a history - he has a history that baffles me. A lot of people do say an history, though - it's up to you to decide which one you'd like to use.

Outdated phrases, tautologies, oxymorons, and commonly misused words - part 1.

Very beginning. The word very is redundant in this phrase.

Further/farther. Further applies to conceptual things: shall we take the plans further? Farther applies to distance: the town you want is about 5 miles farther down the road.

Personal belongings. All belongings are personal - unless they’ve been stolen from a public place.

Small minority. Minorities are, by their very definitions, small.

In one way or another. You might have heard someone use the following phrase: Well, it's probably true in one way or another. Well, of course it is. If it's not true in one way then it's not fucking true! And how can something be true in two ways? It's just another one of our meaningless little phrases we use to pad out our language and make ourselves seem that much smarter (read: dumber).

Old adage. All adages are, by their very definitions, old.

If you've seen one, you've seen 'em all. Actually, if you've seen one, you've seen one. If you've seen them all, then you've seen them all.

Past experience. All experiences happen in the past, unless they’re happening in the present (in which case you might want to start experiencing them and stop writing about them).

Exact same/exactly the same. Something is either the same as something or it isn’t. The word exact is redundant in this phrase.

PIN number. The initial n in the acronym PIN stands for number. Thus, the word number is a tautology and should be omitted. A typical conversation held at a supermarket:

Person at checkout: Please insert your PIN number, sir.
Me: PIN number? I'll insert my PIN, thank you very much. Also, please don't call me sir: I haven't been knighted by her holiness just yet.
Person at checkout: Huh?

Honest truth. A truth is either true or it isn't. For such a thing as an honest truth to exist, there would have to be dishonest truths or half-truths. Again, the word half-truth is redundant. Instead, use lie (unless you're a crooked politician).

Future plans. All plans are to be executed in the future.

Gather together. What? Are you gonna gather apart? If you’re not together, then you haven’t gathered. Lose the word together as it's a tautology.

Shrug one’s shoulders. What else are you gonna shrug: your knees? Simply say shrug.

Plan ahead. All plans extend into the future. The word ahead is redundant. Lose it!

First time ever. It’s either your first time, or it isn’t. Decide!

Added bonus. All bonuses are additional. Lose added.

Safe haven. Is there such a thing as an unsafe haven? Havens are, by their very definitions, safe places.

Safe bet. All bets have an element of risk to them; thus, no bet is safe. Use instead safe option.

Temper tantrum. All tantrums occur when someone’s in a temper. The word temper is thus a tautology.

Unique individual. All individuals are unique; they’re individual! Also, never modify unique with adverbs such as rather or somewhat. Something is either unique or it isn’t.

Could hear a pin drop. One can’t hear most things drop, let alone a pin. One might be able to hear a pin land, though.

Emergency situation. All occurrences are situations; it’s just an emergency.

Assistant supervisor. An assistant supervisor is supervised by someone else, so where does the supervision come in? Why not call the person the supervisor’s assistant?

Original copy. A copy is not original; it’s just a copy.

Plastic glass. It seems absurd that something can be made of two materials simultaneously. Just call it a plastic cup.

Resident alien. If someone settles in a country, they’re no longer an alien - they're a resident of that country! (That phrase shows the underlying racism which pervades in some American states - immigrants can never be citizens.)

Uninvited guest. Regardless of whether a person is invited to something or not, they’re still - and always will be - a guest.

Live recording. All recordings are done live.

Dry lake. If a lake has dried up, it’s no longer a lake.

Headache tablet. Surely the last thing you need when you have a headache is a headache tablet. Why not take an anti-headache tablet?

Irony. Irony deals with unexpected things which are the opposite of what is expected. If a man on his way to the hospital to receive some insulin dies in a car crash, it’s just an event; a co-incidence. If he dies in a crash in which a lorry carrying sugar is involved, that’s an oddly poetic co-incidence. If the lorry is carrying insulin, however, then that’s an irony.

Sour grapes. Sour grapes has nothing to do with jealousy or spite; it means to not do something based on the belief that the outcome will not be one that is expected or wanted. The phrase comes from Aesop’s fable of The Fox and the Grapes. In the story, a fox is trying to jump up to get some grapes off a vine but can’t reach. In the end, he gives up and says that the grapes probably would’ve been sour anyway.

Forte. The word is pronounced in two ways and has two meanings. The noun forte (pronounced ‘fort’) means a strong point or skill. In music, the word forte (an adjective and/or adverb pronounced ‘for-tay’) means to play loud.

Prodigal. Prodigal does not mean ‘wandering’ and isn’t related to the word ‘prodigy’. It means to be recklessly wasteful or extravagant.

Celibate. Celibacy pertains to non-marriage. Chastity and sexual abstinence pertain to having non-sexual relationships.

Proverbial. Dropping something in ‘the proverbial basket’ is not a proverb; it’s just a metaphor. Also, running ‘like the proverbial cheetah’ isn't, either - it’s a simile. Something is proverbial only if it relates to a proverb.

Momentarily. Momentarily means in a moment; not for a moment. To do something for a moment is to do something presently.

Criterion/criteria. Criterion is singular; criteria plural. The same applies to bacterium and bacteria, agendum and agenda, medium and media, graffito and graffiti, and paparazzo and paparazzi - to name only a few.

Light-year. A light-year is a measure of distance; not time. Things travel light-years, but don’t take light-years.

Acronym. An acronym is only an acronym if it can be pronounced as a word - such as radar, NATO, laser or, perhaps, UNICEF. All other words - such as IBM, FBI and EU - are just abbreviations.

Can/may. Can applies to what is possible: can it be done? May applies to what is permissible: may I borrow some money?

The proof is in the pudding. To quote George Carlin: “The raisins and rice are in the pudding.” The phrase is: the proof of the pudding is in the eating. In this phrase, proof means test.

An eye for an eye. This adage is not a call for revenge. It simply states that the punishment should fit the crime: if someone takes an eye, an eye should be taken in return. It is not vindictive; it is mitigatory.

Don’t make the same mistake twice. This implies that three mistakes would have to be made - first one mistake would be made, then the mistake would be repeated again twice. A better phrase is: don’t make the same mistake.

Healthy/healthful. Healthy is a condition; healthful is a property. People are healthy. Food is healthful - it aids health. Food is not healthy - because food is dead, inert and sitting on your plate. If it were healthy, it would be doing push-ups.

Race, creed or colour. Race and colour are one and the same. The phrase also reeks of insincerity.

Pre-board. What does that mean? To board something before you board it? Is that logically possible? The prefix pre- can be omitted from most words without changing the meaning; pre- is simply a meaningless prefix.

Fire department. Surely the fire department would be in charge of starting fires? Why not the anti-fire or distinguishing department? Makes more sense.

Wrinkle cream. It’s now mainly referred to as anti-wrinkle cream, because the properties of the former cream left some middle-aged women at a loss.

Anti-/ante-. The prefix anti- means opposed to or having a reverse effect: anti-abortion, anti-ageing. The prefix ante- means before and pertains to historical periods. (Historical periods itself could be a tautology - I just didn't want to make the assumption that it pertains to those bloody events that women have.)

Holy war. No war can be holy. Does the commandment ‘Thou shalt not kill’ mean anything to you religious zealots?

Mercy killing. No killing is, in itself, merciful. Instead, use the word euthanasia.

Friendly fire. I don’t think anyone would find stray bullets coming from allies that friendly. See if you think it’s friendly when you’re dead.

Not going to win any popularity contests. Have you ever heard of anyone who’s won a popularity contest? I guess the winners are just not that popular.

Unidentified person/ unknown person. Surely everyone has an identity and is known to at least two people - their mother and father (maybe not the father). The phrase should really be unidentifiable person, but I guess that sounds too long-winded.

You can talk ‘til you’re blue in the face. Actually, I think it’s quite hard to talk when one’s blue in the face. I tried it once and I died. Why not talk ‘til you’re light purple in the face? I think the chances of survival are slightly higher in that way.

Open a can of worms. Do people really pack worms into cans? Where are they buying these?

Read you the Riot Act. Has anyone ever read you the Riot Act? I think it’s bullshit, folks.

The Pen is mightier than the sword. The phrase sounds a little nineteenth century now. Why not: the typewriter is mightier than the machine gun? Or, the Macintosh is mightier than the particle-beam gun?

Dropping like flies. The consensus is that flies fly. I’ve never seen a fly drop, as it were.

In the wrong place at the wrong time. Shouldn’t it be: in the right place at the wrong time? You’re in the right place because that’s where your day’s activities have lead you. Unfortunately, you got there just at the wrong time because a bullet’s about to fly through your skull.

You don’t have to be a rocket scientist. Does this phrase imply that rocket scientists are smart? When did bombing innocent brown people become a smart and admirable career?

You never know. Sometimes, you do know.

You don’t have to be a brain surgeon. In some situations, I imagine one would have to be a brain surgeon - such as situations involving brain surgery.

The sky’s the limit. The sky is not the limit - the sky never ends. The Earth is the limit - if you keep digging earth, you’re eventually gonna reach the centre and die.

Look to the skies. How can there be more than one sky? Am I not seeing something?

You get what you pay for/ you pays your money, you takes your choice. You get what you’re given. In today’s consumer-driven society, you probably get a fraction of what you pay for - you get whatever they want to give you.

Tomorrow is another day. Tomorrow might never come. Today is another day. If tomorrow does come, it will be today - and will thus be another day.

Nice guys finish last. Statistically, nice guys finish third; short guys finish last. If no short people are competing, it's likely that drunks or men wearing toupees will finish last.

Those were the days. What about the nights? During the days, you worked. What about all the drinking, drug-taking, partying and fucking you used to do at night?

Everyone has his price. This is a common misconception. Some people don’t have their prices: due to a government mix-up, some people have their neighbours’ prices.

You can’t win them all. One man in a small Cornish village really is winning them all. Another guy is losing them all. Someone, somewhere, may even be drawing them all.

They don’t make ‘em like they used to. They do make them like they used to, actually; they just don’t sell them any more.

Things will get better before they get worse. How do you know? What if they continue to get worse? This is happening to some people as we speak - and will continue to happen.

It takes two to tango. Actually, a person can tango reasonably well on their own. It takes two to tango together.

Nobody ever said life is fair. Actually, someone said that to me when I was twelve. They died the next day at the age of twenty-seven.

There’s a sucker born every minute and two more are born to take him. With today’s larger population base, it’s more reasonable to assume that fifty suckers are born every minute and five-hundred and fifty-seven are born to take them.

New initiative. All initiatives are new.

General public. Unless you’re treating certain members of the public as special, all members of the public are general.